T'was the night before the night before Christmas...

Well Kaylin's had her 4 month shots and check up. My baby weighs a whopping 14 pounds 1 ounce! Almost doubled her birth weight!!! And I thought she was a chunky thing. Guess she's perfect all around. Doctor even said she thinks she's a few months ahead in motor development, definitely makes me a proud mama! I can't believe how big she's gotten, in just a few months time. She hardly fits into her 0-3 month Gerber clothes. Wow, how time flies. I can't believe in just a few short months she will be a whole 6 months old, and Dennis will be heading off to the "great" sandbox.

This Christmas is definitely a bittersweet one for me. On one hand I am so excited for Christmas to come. I can't wait to see the look on Kaylin's face when she sees the toys and clothes. And I can't wait to see the look on Dennis' face when he see's what all he's gotten. He has no clue on a lot of stuff this year, especially because he's been gone. But on the other hand I'm sad because this is the last "major" holiday before this deployment. We have our anniversary and New Year's but Christmas is like it. Part of me wants to just say, "bring it on, Army!" Then the other part wants my husband to stay here safely beside me. I guess the only positive thing about this deployment will be the chance to get out of debt. I can't wait until we can not have to worry about all this crazy debt on our shoulders. It'll be so nice to only have school loans to stress over. At least, that is my goal by the end of this deployment. Oh and of course the getting out of Germany thing we'll be doing once he gets back. Out of this hell hole, out of this world. Don't get me wrong, we like Germany but we hate Baumholder. 2 stop lights, a down town full of strip clubs and over priced everything kinda makes life tougher here. I sorta wish we got stationed here earlier when the Deutche marks were still around. We would have loved it here, so easy to travel!

Hmmm, Dennis is in there playing Black Ops yelling at his friends. Maybe its time to make him turn off the Xbox and watch a movie with me. :D

No pity

So at first today I felt bad for Dennis because Kaylin was fussy and pissed off. But then as he's preparing to leave for the gym...AGAIN I lose my pity. She doesn't want him, because he's never around. When he is around, he doesn't play with her...she's more of a pain in the ass than anything. So why the fuck does he expect her to want to be around him?! Yeah, I understand he needs to keep his weight under check, but for crying out loud...he JUST got back after being gone 18 days. Before that it was like he wasn't even home, he hardly came home at all. Is it too much to ask to SEE my husband while he's on leave?! I mean this is the LAST time we have together before deployment, how the fuck does he think its okay. Honestly, I'm SHAKING I'm so pissed off.

So I threw a bottle of Ibuprofen

So now that I'm calmed down, I've decided to share the events of the last few weeks...

Its 11 pm, I'm just about to go to bed when my cell phone rings. I grab it and worry because Dennis has already called for the evening. The voice is male, and he tells me he is from the Red Cross, my heart drops...something happened to my husband...the guy continues to tell me he is calling about Dennis' sister. Again, my heart drops...but he continues to say she is fine and basically that "she'd really like to see her big brother"....well yes, we'd all like to go to the States but we CAN'T AFFORD IT. You swore you'd pay for us to come out, you lied...now tell your daughter THAT. So I call to confront her and she basically tells me to fuck off and that I'd do the same thing for my daughter. I'd do anything for my daughter but I would not send a Red Cross message to my son to pull at his heartstrings. Sorry, that's cruel.

Things settle down from that and then I get on Dennis' facebook and see that his mom wrote him about his sister doing a "Make a Wish" thing, and they may be out here in January. Great...expect him not to be home because he'll be packing for deployment. Don't start getting pissed at him because of it all. Sorry! We'd love to see you but you have SHITTY timing. She then proceeds to ask me if they'll give him a few days off because they'll be here. UM, no. He's already taken leave and they'll be leaving soon...what do you think?? Oh and for what I know they haven't even packed their stuff yet. FUN. I'll hardly see him and now all I'm gonna hear is how he isn't around when they come out all this way...sorry we warned you. *shrug*

So fast forward to yesterday...only a few days before Dennis is supposed to be home, *phew* but I looked to see if his check had hit the bank account yet, and all the sudden I see a charge from Amazon. Hmmmm, maybe Dennis bought something from there. No big deal, I figured I'd ask him when he calls so I know if I should open packages or not. He tells me he never ordered anything. So I do some digging because this is weird. Come to find out it was MY card that was used even though I have it. CRAP. So I hold my card, and then pull out money and cancel the card. So all I have in my wallet right now is all we have till Dennis gets home. Gah I'm just so frustrated with it!

Then today I was supposed to take a final for one of my classes. I go make the appointment, drop Kaylin off at my friend's and head off. Its snowing, I'm annoyed because of my card, and I'm exhausted. So when I cannot find my test, I'm irritated. Its the only day I can do it and there is NO test. I email my teacher, but hear nothing back. *sigh* Stupid online classes!

I did my few errands, put minutes back on my phone and picked up Kaylin. We got home, she ate and we napped. I really hoped it would help me wake up in a better mood but it did not. I fed Kaylin and she got tired so she started fussing. I got hungry so I put her in her crib so I could eat. I had a headache so I reached for the bottle of Ibuprofen. It would NOT open. I had it just right and everything...that's when I snapped. I chucked the bottle of Ibuprofen and it opened, spilled all over the floor.

*sigh*

Things....

I haven't updated this in a while. I'm sorry, its been a hell of a month. Between school, Dennis' school, Kaylin, family, and life in general I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Dennis' mom sent a red cross message a few weeks ago...for basically no reason. So I got to deal with THAT, then on top of it all Kaylin is being a pain in the butt lately.

I don't really want to go into details at the moment, maybe one day I will. But for now I'm just sick of all of this, and I want my husband home.

Start the coundown

Dennis left for WLC this morning. I'm already wishing he'd be back. I've decided that the next time he decides to get promoted and has to go away for schooling he is to clear it with me first. I have to check the Kaylin and mommy sickness calendar (to make sure we do not have any upcoming sickness' scheduled), the school assignment board (so that I do not get stuck with all your homework), and the snow storm forecast.

See both Kaylin and I have come down with mysterious nose sickness X. She's stuffy and crabby and my throat hurts, my nose is stuffy and runny, and I'm crabby. So we're both total crabs and have no desire to do anything but mope around the house. Well the battalion was doing a small fundraiser and pictures with Santa. So I took Kaylin and got her picture taken, we stayed for a while and then left. I got her some more toys for Christmas...I swear this child is SO spoiled!! :D I love spoiling my baby!!

Dennis' platoon sergeant decided he needed to go back to school. So he told him to apply for classes while they were in the field. So he got stuck doing school work right now and guess who gets the load!!? Yup, ME! I better get super wife of the year award or something, because being up at 3 am to take him to the bus and doing his homework for him definitely deserves it. Oh did I mention it SNOWED like no other?! Yeahhh, dusting snow off a cold car at 3:30, sucks.

Top it off that snow storm dumped a bit of snow on us. Nothing that was "terrible" and should shut down the post, but seriously...it sucks! I hate driving in the snow, not that I'm not experienced in it, but still. Can't it snow and be warm?! Puhhhlleeeasseee???

I've decided tomorrow is getting caught up on Dennis homework, and vegging at the house. I think its going to be another pajama only sort of day. I love those days, no agenda just hanging around snuggling. Maybe I'll finish decorating the house so that I can take all these boxes downstairs!

Oh and I hate when my Mikes Hard Lemonade is more lemonadey than it is hard. :) Just sayin!

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas

So I got ticked off with Dennis' attitude yesterday and told him to stop being a Grinch. Next year when he's deployed he'll be pissed off knowing that we're here celebrating while he's away (though we'll miss him). He came home from the gym and helped me with no issues. Either he just sucked it up or he realized that he should at least make the best of it. We'll spend Christmas with family soon enough.

I think Kaylin is feeling better, so maybe its a bit of a cold and mostly teething! Well I should definitely hope anyways. I hate her being sick. :(

I've got a few more decorations to hang and we're done. Hopefully Kaylin will take a chill pill and I can do it! I love this time of year!!

Whelp its been snowing all day which sucks. Dennis took my car so Kaylin and I are stuck at the house today. No biggie, the roads SUCK around here anyways! Though the snow makes my decorations a bit more fitting!!!

Now its time to cuddle up on the couch with Kaylin and snuggle!!!

Tis the season

So with Dennis supposed to go to WLC this week I asked him if we can put up the tree and things now so we can enjoy it together since he'll be gone for most of December. Whatever right? Well we're taking stuff out of the basement and he's complaining! He does this EVERY year. I get so annoyed because all I want is a nice Christmas and he has to sit and complain about everything. GRRR. Can't he just be thankful and happy? I honestly hope next year he regrets how he's acted because Kaylin and I will be putting up the Christmas tree and celebrating together and he'll be deployed. Who knows, maybe it won't phase him at all. As much as I wish he'd realize that I doubt he ever will. *sigh*

I totally could go for a nap right now, but I've got a billion loads of laundry to do. Somehow even though I did laundry last weekend, it piled up super high again this week! I don't think it helped I let Kaylin's go for a while, though I could. That child has SO many clothes I have trouble fitting it all in the dresser!

Anyways, we got a new Christmas tree this year. Our one from my grandparents just isn't going to make it another year. :( As much as it breaks my heart, we have to replace it. But the new one looks very good, I just have to put the lights on it and then we'll decorate. I can't wait to see Kaylin's eyes when she sees it all pretty. We've got the majority of Kaylin's shopping done, which excites me. I just have to start wrapping them and maybe find a few from Santa.

Thanksgiving 2010

Well its Thanksgiving, a day for food, family and recognizing that we have lots to be thankful for everyday not just once a year. :)

This being Kaylin's first Thanksgiving we are very excited. I am so thankful that she is in our lives, she frustrates me to no end some days, but then I can't imagine not having her around. I love when she smiles, it makes my day. Knowing that she loves me and depends on me is the best feeling in the entire world.

We also had our first really good snow fall of the year. =] It is wonderful. I love to watch the snow fall. We took Kaylin out in it and she didn't particularly care for it, poor girl. I am so thankful for my family.

Just be thankful

Wow, after being so scared of Dennis going into the military I sure am crazy now. I can't imagine us living another life. I'd love to be home with him at a decent hour every night, but I can't imagine it. I'd love for him to see Kaylin grow up and be with her every night, but now I can't think of living in the civilian world. Its crazy to think that something as simple as normal everyday life is scary. But it really is. I can't imagine getting paid $2,000 a month and having to pay for an apartment, utilities and then all of our other bills. We get almost that now and don't have to pay anything extra. Gah!

Anyways, I'm just going to stop worrying about it. What will be...will be. Everything will work out for the best, whether we know it or not. We can do this, God will provide for my family I just have to have faith. We WILL be okay, He WILL provide for us.

Now that I've had a bit of relaxation time, I think I'm going to take a nice long shower. Its amazing what warm water and some smell goods can do for a person's attitude. :D Plus I think I need new shoes, my feet are soreeee! Its actually going up my knees so I probably do. I'm just too lazy to actually do it. :( I hate spending money on shoes, they seem so unworth it. Now what girl ever says that?!? Dennis, you got lucky. I'm not one to shop at the mall and spend all sorts of money. I'd rather just hang out at home.

I've finished 2 of 3 classes for the semester. Oh my gosh, let me tell you...its been awesome. I am so glad that I am done. Yeah, the classes have sucked...they took hours and hours and I'm exhausted but I did it. I managed 3 classes, with a newborn AND my husband in the field for a good portion of them. I just have to thank my amazing daughter, she started sleeping through the night quite well so I got some time before I got too tired and even got some sleep when I was alone. I'm hoping to get her into her own room by the end of the month, beginning of next month. But that's so sad, I don't want to move her! It means she's growing up. But she can't sleep in the pack and play next to us forever. Unfortunately.

Some friends on Facebook did Thanks-living and I think its a great idea. I just don't do it on Facebook. So again, now that I have some free time, I'm going to start my Thanks-living and each day I will strive to think up something new to be thankful for. Though, I've got 19 days to make up for....here goes....

1. I am thankful for my husband. He is so patient, understanding and sweet. When I lose my temper or get upset, I seem to take it out on him and then always feel bad later. He's just patient and lets me vent and get my feelings out. I am so thankful that I have a husband who, after a shitty day at work is still willing to rub my feet for a few minutes. Dennis, I love you. Thank you for everything you do.

2. I am thankful for my beautiful daughter. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Even when times are at their worst and I'm upset, I've always got her to smile at me and I know that somehow it will all be okay.

3. I am thankful for my Salvation. God has blessed me more than I thank him for and He is the greatest ever. I do not give him enough credit, nor do I turn to Him when I should. Though I am learning and He is responsible for bringing those who are helping me into my life. Thank you Lord, you are my King.

4. I am thankful for the rain. Even though its gloomy, nasty and gross in Germany most of the time, I am thankful that it is green and pretty. At least we hardly have any rotting grass or dying trees.

5. I am thankful for my family, even though they are 8,000 miles away. There are always there when I need them. I can cry to them, laugh with them, and even ask for advice from them. I am so thankful that my parents are involved in my life and care what I have become. Even though I took the rough road to get here, I sure hope they are proud of me.

6. I am thankful for the opportunity to continue my education. I do enjoy going back to school and I am very thankful that I was presented with the opportunity to continue to do so. Even though I am not going to school for my ideal major, at least I am able to do something.

7. I am thankful for my friends. The ones I can show up at their doorstep, ring the bell and cry to while they listen. I am thankful for the ones that show me the way, even from Florida (I LOVE YOU HEATHER JACOBSEN). Most of all I am thankful that I am able to call and talk to them and not feel afraid or stupid about what is on my mind.

8. I am thankful that we have the opportunity to live in Germany. Not many kids (at least not in the military) can say they've even MOVED, let alone lived in another country. I am proud that my daughter was born here. She'll be unique. :)

9. I am thankful that I can enjoy the little things. I never want to take a day with Kaylin, Dennis or my friends for granted. I am so glad that everyone I need is here for me, no questions asked, no matter when. I love seeing my daughter smile, stretch and even hearing her cry.

10. I am thankful for my dog. Even though he's a pain in my ass who bothers the crap out of me, he is still a fantastic dog. He's always there to cuddle when I need a hug from something a bit bigger than a baby. He's great company (though I will not admit that outloud to Dennis) when I am alone. Its nice to have him to snuggle up to, or pet when I just need a break.

11. I am thankful for sleep. Its just a great way to recharge my batteries and relax a bit. I love when I get to lay next to my husband.

12. I am thankful that my daughter is a chunky monkey. It means I am doing my job. So go ahead, call her fat. :)

13. I am thankful for my crazy, unpredictable military life. Though I get annoyed, cuss, scream and cry because of it...I have NO idea where I would be without this life. Its amazing how much I feared Dennis joining and now I can't imagine not being here.

14. I am thankful for technology. It is amazing what I can share with my family online. :)

15. I am thankful my husband and I had nothing really in common before we got together. It has made us open our eyes to new experiences. I have learned a new taste in music, movies and shows. :)

16. I am thankful that my husband is supportive of my crazy desires before he deploys. Like my desire for him to make a deployment bear and read books on video to Kaylin.

17. I am thankful for getting down to my pre-pregnancy pants so fast. I never expected to be able to fit into these again, and I am. Though I'm not down to pre-pregnancy weight, I'm close. Yippee!

18. I am thankful for the time my husband and I spend together. Even if it was video games together, we still have fun.

19. I am thankful for my life as I know it. I've gone through so much but I know that every single experience, no matter how difficult was worth it all to get where I am at. I wish I could go back and tell myself to keep my chin up, it will be alright. But since I can't I am just going to learn from the past.

Dear Army, tonight I hate you =]

I'm so pissed I don't even know where to begin tonight. Yeah, I understand my husband works long hours that suck and he comes home so tired we spend no time together. By why the fuck is he "soooo" tired at the end of the night but manages to go and play Call of Duty for 2 hours? Or watch tv? I swear he spends no time with me and it doesn't even phase him. Earlier I asked him to take out the dog...guess what I just did? Took out the dog. The dog that he wanted, the dog he had to have. I swear, that dog would go hungry and pee if he was responsible for it.

Now he's passed out on my lap, Kaylin's asleep and I'm hungry. Ugh! Lol I guess I just wish he could get off at a decent time and not be so exhausted that he falls asleep the second he gets home. That would be very nice.

Is it Friday yet?!!

I admit, I've been slacking in this department lately. Though I HAVE an excuse. :) School is totally swamping me, though it really shouldn't. I deserve mother of the year award for life lately. Taking on 3 classes (for a grand total of 9 credit hours) this semester with a newborn and a husband who is gone more than he is home...I am INSANE. I've managed to keep my head above water and actually get the assignments that I need done, finished. :D I must say...I kick ass.

Anyways, lately I've been going crazy. I've avoided venting just because it doesn't really seem necessary. But for crying out loud, I am a HUMAN not a fucking taxi. Now that being said, I do not feel like a taxi I'm just stressed out because I don't need to go grocery shopping at the moment and I'm sorry that you do. You need to get your license and your own car. This will make your life a million times easier. I just hope that you are planning on getting to the airport on your own, because neither my car or Dennis' car is not big enough to take 3 people and a baby to the airport...not to mention your luggage and everything. So I am sorry but I cannot take you. And do not expect me to take you and take both cars...that is ridiculous.

Though I must say, Kaylin has driven me crazy lately I needed a break from her so bad! I feel so awful saying that but I did. She had a total "daddy only" day yesterday and I'm not going to lie, it was nice. Though after she finally went down it seems like he felt he deserved a "daddy of the year" award because he held her all day. Seriously?! Are you kidding??? You feel all sorts of special because you held your daughter? WTF?! I love my little girl, and I thank God for her every day. Sometimes a person just needs a break.

Hmm, maybe I should go to bed early tonight I could really use the extra sleep. But I really need to do some homework. Though I'm almost done, almost! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, as long as I don't screw it all up! Gahhh!!!! Guess I'll get off here and go do something productive.

Why?!

Why does it always take the tragedy of others to make us see what is directly in front of our eyes. Again, the friend who lost her little girl posted the story of her on our website. All I can say is WOW. I cried reading it. It was so hard to even think about losing Kaylin. There are days where I get frustrated and annoyed because she cries all day and wants to be held. But sitting there reading how my friend's arms ache because she longs to hold her daughter makes me feel terrible. I do not feel terrible for having Kaylin, I feel terrible because I take for granted the things she misses most. I never want to take the days I have with Kaylin for granted like I have been. I get annoyed because I have to hold her to sleep and it impedes my school work. Then I read about how much she wishes to hold her little girl and I feel like shit. I hate thinking about all the times I've yelled out of frustration at Kaylin because she won't stop crying. Now I think about how much my friend would like to hear her daughter cry. I feel like I've taken so much for granted lately, and I feel horrible that my friend's terrible tragedy forced me to open my eyes to what I have.

I've got a beautiful baby girl, who adores me more than anything in this world. She trusts me completely, and depends on me for everything. She is utterly defenseless and needs me to do everything I possibly can for her. I am so thankful that I have this blessing of mine. I thank God that he has granted my every prayer where Kaylin is concerned. She is healthy and is everything I could have asked for, and then some. Words can not describe how I feel about this little girl, I am just so thankful for her.

So to my dear friend, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are not religious but please know that I am praying for you. I'm praying that you somehow find peace and that you find acceptance one of these days. I wish "I'm sorry" fulfilled how I feel right now. But it seems so below what you and your husband deserve. So please for now, I thank you. Thank you for showing me my blessing through your terrible tragedy. RIP, little one.

Seriously people?!

So today when we were standing in Ramstein getting ready to leave Macaroni Grill. We had a wonderful evening with friends. Well I grab the stroller, Dennis has a passed out Kaylin in the car seat. Well I over hear a guy talking to someone else and he says, "Wow, they don't even look old enough to have kids. Those military folk..." EXCUSE ME?! Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to mean. Yes, I look young but I am old enough to have a child. She is cared for, and is loved. What the hell does my age have to do with it?! At least Dennis and I got married before we got pregnant and we made the mutual decision to try to have a baby. So there should never be judgment about the age of people and having children. Kaylin is the biggest and best blessing I've ever had, she is the reason I wake up in the morning and she's my muse and my motivation. It just pisses me off that people think its okay to treat us like that. "We're too young to know what we're doing..." Gah. Whatever.

We did have a blast yesterday though, its so nice to hang out and party with friends again. :D

GAH. Enough Said.

So its 2 am, I'm up feeding the baby and guess where my husband is...laying down in bed, drunk as shit not a care in the world. Lemme give you a back story...

A friend of ours is getting deployed very soon. So we had once last party at his place tonight. Well before we left I asked Dennis if he was gonna take Oreo out or if he was just going to do it when we got back. He says, "I'll take him out when we get home. No matter how drunk I am." *Rolls eyes....surreee* So we go, stay till almost 2, and head home. We bring Kaylin in, put her in our room and I look over. Dennis is taking off his clothes. Great, I just got voted to take Oreo out. So I quick run him downstairs the entire time loathing the fact that Dennis is stuck up in the bathroom while I'm doing exactly what he said he'd do. So I come back up, make Kaylin's bottles and get my ice cream. He comes out of the bathroom as I'm taking off my clothes and I go, "Don't worry, I've already taken out the dog." "Oh shit honey, I totally forgot. I'm sorry." "Right." *glare* I go to pee and then suddenly...BAM, Kaylin has "mommy is going to sleep and I want to be awake radar." *glare* So she starts getting fussy. Fan-fucking-tastic. So I take her out of the car seat and hold her for a second and then lay her down in the bassinet with strict orders to cry loudly because Dennis is trying to sleep. She totally does....gooooddd baby :D. So he picks her up and its mommy to the rescue. "Give her to me so I can feed her." I take her. "I can feed her." "Whatever, just give her here."

So now where I am...its 2:30 I'm up, exhausted...have mountains of homework to do and am STILL awake while I'm husband sleeps off his drunkness. Seriously, where the fuck is my HELP. I feel like I'm raising 2 god damn kids. He has NO responsibility what so fucking ever. I have to do EVERYTHING. Because if I don't, it doesn't get done. Any other man would see the trash full and take it out on his way down the stairs. Dennis ignores it until I either ask him to take it out or I do it myself. Why?! Why do I have to ask him!!! We've had this conversation before, and obviously we've gotten no where. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I think I'm going crazy. Getting him to put his dish in the dishwasher is like pulling teeth, even if its empty! How hard can it be?! Swish around the water, put it in there. 1 minute, tops. Instead I'm stuck washing the dish because I can't rinse off the food crusted to the side.

Now the question is, do we go sleep in there with him, or stay out here until he figures out that I'm seriously pissed the fuck off.

Hummmpp Dayy!

Whelp its just after 6. I've gotten a few things accomplished, but nothing near what I wanted to. I guess I have some time when Kaylin goes down too. Dennis still isn't home yet but hey its whatever in all honesty.

GAH, he just called and said his soldier (who just got here by the way) got robbed at the airport. WTF, how the hell do you get robbed at the airport? God I have a feeling this bitch is going to be DUMB and I am going to have to kick some ass. Top it off he hasn't seen Kaylin all day long, didn't come home from lunch or anything. I have to say, I think its crap. Even if he gets 20 minutes, he can call and I can have a sandwich ready for him. Instead he just doesn't come home. It gets old. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that he can come home, its just hard when he doesn't.

He came home and told me he didn't ask exactly how she got robbed but he assumes she was pickpocketed at the airport when she was sleeping. SERIOUSLY? Who sleeps at the airport alone? GAH, she is dumb. Husband, please just remember you are her boss not her babysitter. I will take the time to remind you when you forget. :)

Still not feeling tip top either. My ears are both starting to bother me now. :( I'm gonna have to give in and take the benadryl at night. Maybe I'll try other stuff during the day that makes me way less drowsy. Hopefully the combination will knock it out of my system. *sigh* Though I have a feeling I'll be making another appointment for Monday. :( I'm really glad I decided to stay put inside and not do anything at all today. Well except for homework. I think that was a good decision on my part. I woke up on the right side of the bed...turned WAYYYY wrong as soon as I got up....

So its 4:30, Kaylin starts fussing. Knowing that we'll be up in just around an hour, I pull her into bed with us hoping she'll sleep for a bit longer. Success, Mommy 1, Kaylin well...I'm sure she's winning. Then the alarm goes off, up we get. I start a bottle and Dennis gets ready for PT. I log into Facebook as Kaylin's bottle warms up and see a message from MIL. Fan-tast-IC. She says to have Dennis check his email, so assuming she meant messages on Facebook I log in for him. His dad's mom passed away from complications during surgery. :( I feel so bad because he really liked her. Well I also noticed a message from this girl. Basically confessing that she needs him. EXCUSE ME? So I ask him what the flying fuck is up with that...he says he doesn't know her and only added her because I added her. Well I look at her pictures and I know for a fact that I know her through him. Whatever, irrelevant (eventually that gets sorted). So I block her from a lot of my profile, but still allow her to see that we're married and my pictures (gotta rub that shit in...biattchhh). Well Dennis texts me and says that he left the way he did because he's upset about his grandma and that the chick is crazy. So she set my mood for the day. So I smartly stayed in the house and did nothing but homework today. That way I didn't run into anyone and be pissed off...veryyy smart decision. I have decided that I hate single women...yup that's the moral of this... I've met very few that I can actually stand.

Gahhh, is it Monday?!?!

Bahhh! What the hell? Seriously, a Monday on Tuesday?! So I go to do some research for my psychology paper...but the world decides I do not need to do such a silly thing. The site will NOT connect. I've called the internet provider, the school, and a friend (to make sure it wasn't *my* internet). None of which worked. So conclusion...it HAS to be the school. But seriously, WTF?! I really want to start this paper and this is making it impossible. Hmmph, maybe I just won't use those resources. Though I'd like to I believe using professional articles is better than random websites but hey I gotta do what I can, right?!

Its not even the end of the semester and I'm already researching next semesters classes. Am I crazy?! Though what makes me look so much is because I've got to buy the books out of pocket, and those add up really fast when you have 4 classes. Hmmph. Decisions, decisions. Gah, I hate, hate my major but nursing isn't available over here and so to avoid paying back student loans, I'm going back for something else. At least by the time I leave here, I hope to have a degree. So that way we can get settled and I can attempt to go back for my nursing degree.

Kaylin has picked today, of all days, to be a holy terror. She's eaten so much, I had to make an extra bottle to get her through the day. WTF kid?! I really think she was tired but she woke up and figured she'd scream until I gave her a bottle. I have a feeling she'll be going down early tonight. Plus I'm exhausted and my ear hurts. :( I really hope these antibiotics kick in soon. It doesn't help I'm not taking the benadryl that she gave me. But it makes me sleepy...I can't afford to be sleepy right now! If I was only taking the one class I could easily afford to be sleepy. Sadly, I'm not! So I guess I'll have to be miserable for a few more days.

Dennis said that its going to be a long few weeks. They're doing something to prep for deployment. I think like starting to pack equipment and stuff. Bleh, I really don't want to be the only one dealing with Kaylin all day long. I don't mind it when he's not home, I really don't get a choice there. But when he is home, I need a freaking break! Especially when I'm like 3 weeks behind in one class. (Not to help that I have the paper in that class that I can't seem to do) Top if off she's tried every ounce of patience I have today. I called Dennis in hopes that he'd be home soon and he coped an attitude with me. FUCK YOU, I'm at home trying to do shit for you and your kid and you cop an attitude with me because I need you? AAAARGHHHHHHH

Oh and he somehow thinks we'll be able to go home for Christmas. STILL! I feel so bad but we can't. Originally his mom was gonna pay for our tickets, well he came home from the field he started talking about flying space-a. Terrible idea. Then top it off its Christmas time. Argh, I could vent on this all day but whatever. I'm over it. I'm not going, decision final. If he wants to go fine, he can miss his daughter's first Christmas and our anniversary. He will NOT like me when he gets back, and that is a promise. I feel bad about all of it, but I'm sick of trying to figure out where we are going to come up with the money. We can't fly until after the 22nd, and I refuse to spend Christmas in the airport. Its bad timing all around, but ya know what...I didn't sign the dotted line to join the Army. I didn't know that when I joined there was a possibility I'd be stationed overseas. Sorry. So if you are so "homesick" and everything...quit buying video games, stop spending money on stupid shit. You are your own worst enemy. But I flat out refuse to go back to the States and not go see my family with Kaylin. And I refuse to fly home and then go back without Dennis (he goes home first) and go and see my family. Because that's not fair, what if I can't get back before he deploys?! Its just not worth it to me. And sorry, but I don't see any of them jumping to come to Germany to see her. If it was as "important" as they all say...they would have made a point to get over here. They've all been parents, they know how hard it is to travel a few hours with a baby...now let's just pick up and go across the world.

Top it off, Kaylin has decided to test every ounce of patience I have today. I feel like I'm going crazy. Dennis said "it'd be a long day" for the next two weeks. SUPER. So not only am I

Happy Halloween!

Whelp, today is Halloween. Didn't really do any fun celebrating, since the post did everything yesterday. I didn't bother taking Kaylin trick-or-treating either, she's too young and she was crabby by the time we got home. But we did have a party and she slept soundly from 8 pm-6 am. Well it was 5 am because the clocks changed back here already...but still 10 hours! She went down a little after 7 tonight, so we'll see when she wakes up. I did put her in her Halloween costume from Grams and Auntie today. I mean she can't not wear it on Halloween!

I got my homework mostly done for the week already. Now I just have to catch up on my work in Psychology. I tell ya, self-paced classes are terrible. But thankfully I only have a bit longer to go and I'll be done with 2 of 3. That will lighten my load tremendously!

My ear started hurting Friday night, and it hasn't really stopped since. :( So I made an appointment to see a doctor about it. I've been putting drops in, but now they are doing little good. *sigh* I've never had an ear infection before, I hope this isn't the makings of one! I did clean out my ears Friday, so maybe I irritated it. Argh!

Though today wasn't all that bad. Dennis, Kaylin and I hung around the house, ate dinner and Dennis, Wilbur and I watched a couple of movies. Neither of which I honestly cared to watch so it was good homework time. Paranormal Activity 2 was alright, I tell ya...the first one was a hell of a lot scarier when I thought it was real. Finding out it was fake really sucked! Then we watched the new Resident Evil movie...or they did. I tuned that one out for the most part, I am not big on those movies; never have been.

Its late now, I can update tomorrow because I've gotta be up and moving at 7 so I can get to take my test on time and I can study before hand. See ya later!

Finally!!!

After a LONG month, he's home!!! Oh gosh it was so good to finally see him. It felt like FOREVER. I can't believe how strong I can really be when I have to be. Yes, there are definitely hard days and I think everyone goes through them. But when you have them back in your arms, it seems like nothing ever happened. Its sorta funny because he comes home and totally messes up my routine and everything. But thankfully Kaylin didn't change, she was down and asleep by 7 again. Poor little girl had a long day!

It was SO nice to cook again, oh my gosh. I literally felt like I was on a cooking show! I was like "hello mr. crock pot, long time no see." "hello leftovers, nice to have you back in my refrigerator!" I've got so many dishes waiting for me, I am so excited! Dennis told me yesterday he's got tons of laundry for me. I was like "YES!" I hardly run the washing machine and dryer while he's gone. The poor dishwasher only got used twice. I tell ya, life is totally different without them. Its hard though sometimes because I get into a routine and then he comes back. I was just getting used to him being gone. And part of me knows that next time he goes he'll be gone for a year. That's hard, but I can do. I can!

Oreo has followed Dennis around the house all day. Its kinda funny. He left to take back a friend a bit ago and Oreo looked at me and was like "seriously? will he be back?!" I kept telling him he'll be back, don't worry! Poor dog doesn't understand. He's laying sprawled out on the couch right now, sucker!

Life is so fragile

So a dear friend of mine just lost her 2 month old baby girl yesterday. She was born a few weeks after Kaylin. She was ill, so in ways this was not unexpected but it still really hits home. There are days when Kaylin's constant crying and needing to be held annoys me. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I say, "Kaylin, SHUT UP!" But after reading that, and thinking it could have just as easily been Kaylin. I now refuse to take every minute with her for granted. Life is too short to get upset because I have to hold her all day long, just because she wants to fall asleep in my arms. Its amazing how easily we forget to cherish these little things, especially during times of high stress. And I feel bad that it took the death of someone so innocent and pure to remind me to thank God for my beautiful daughter and my wonderful husband.

I am thankful that I have the strength to do the job I've been asked to do, and I am able to do it proudly. Being an Army wife is the hardest job anyone can ever think of doing. Being separated from your spouse, not knowing when you'll hear from him next, and not being able to be there with him daily really takes a toll on someone. But the pride that comes with loving someone who is serving our country makes everything seem doable. Now I have had my breakdowns and my nights of crying myself to sleep. But at the same time, I stop and realize that God never gives us anything we cannot handle and its time to remember that if He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. When there seems to be no one else in this world, He is the one that can comfort us and is there to listen and not judge.

That being said, today was a pretty bland day. DPW came to fix the heaters, so now the heat should start kicking on and hopefully we'll stop freezing. Sometimes its hot in the house, but I've gotta keep it that way for Kaylin. Her little hands get like ice sometimes. Tomorrow will be semi-busy so we'll see how things end up going. Gotta go to the library and education center at least!! For now, I'm off to shower and go to bed.

Please friends, do NOT take life for granted. You never know when God calls you home.

Busy Busy!!

Well its been a while since I managed to update this...its been a busy week!!

Thursday we ran some errands and met up with Samantha. That was a lot of fun, its nice having someone my age to hang out with. =] We did pizza and wine...classy, huh? There wasn't much of a need to do anything but homework anyways. And honestly homework is getting very old!! I can't wait until Dennis is home, I'll be able to do something again!

Friday I went with a few ladies to Ikea! I love that place, though I didn't find exactly what I was looking for, I found stuff that would work. I wanted a tub for Oreo's toys since I'm sick of them being all around the house. I found that but I didn't really find a thing for Kaylin's pacifier's. I picked up something but I'm not sure it's going to work. We'll see I guess.

Saturday was the crappiest day! So every year the Battalion has a Halloween Bash. Usually it involves a "trunk or treat", a haunted house and other activities. Well the guys were gone this year, so it was a total BUST! It was supposed to rain and be totally gross, so we opted to do everything inside. So no trunk or treat or bouncy house. The majority of the companies didn't have the man power to pull off anything really cool for the haunted house, so everyone decided we'd do something together and each company would have an "area" of responsibility. So our company was in charge of providing the papers for the coloring contest. No big deal, we got that done easy. Saturday morning everyone was supposed to show up around 10 and set up their area. I go over and really, there isn't much for us to do. No point in decorating the table because the kids are just going to destroy it. Well the Battalion commander's wife decides she's going to sweep the area...mind you we're in a BASEMENT HITLER used as an escape tunnel. Imagine WWII bunker with white painted cement walls...you've got this place. Dusty, old and full of mold. Yup, so we're going to SWEEP it around? How about...NO! It stirred up so much dust that I had to leave with Kaylin because I couldn't breathe. If I couldn't manage to breathe, how was she?! Ya know?! I pick up Samantha and we take the kids to do some errands and run back to Battalion. I drop off some stuff and then we head over to the Fall Fest that was going on. Nothing really fun, though I did get a neat little button with a picture of Kaylin and I on it. =]

We go back to Battalion again and I put Kaylin in her costume. She didn't hate it, but it wasn't her favorite thing ever either. She eventually just passed out and relaxed. The kids were insane, it was really just chaos. So poorly planned that it almost wasn't worth even doing in the first place. Really disappointing, if you ask me. Hopefully next year's won't be too bad. I mean its obviously going to be cold and rainy, its GERMANY! Thankfully Kaylin got fussy, so we bailed early. I came home and she was just a royal pain in the ass! She even cried through her bath, which isn't like her. =[ She was passed out cold by 7 last night, poor baby was exhausted! She slept until almost 4 am too...I was so shocked. I got some homework done and talked to Dennis for a bit.

Ugh, so Dennis' cousin REALLY pisses me off. When we first got married he needed to be bailed out of a pretty tight spot, so she lent him the money. Well we've been working on paying her back, but with Kaylin and everything its just so much. We sent her $150 last month and she has the nerve to give us shit about sending her more money. Saying "Am I gonna have to ask every month or should I contact Dennis' commander?" Seriously?! WTF is wrong with you??? I'm sorry that you got out of the Army to pursue your dream of owning your own business. But that was a DUMBASS move. You knew the economy was bad, so getting out and trying this now was pretty stupid. Top it off your ass got pregnant and married the guy. Apparently he's got a shitty job so all of you are screwed. And you tell me that you don't want to join the Army again because you don't want to be away from your baby. I understand that, believe me...I'm a mother I understand. But at the same time you're having issues paying things and your having trouble coming up with money. I sure as hell would rather be away from Kaylin and know that I'm not struggling with getting her food and clothing than to be with her and not able to provide. So if you are "having as much trouble as you say" RE-ENLIST. I told Dennis I'd work 3 jobs before I would let my child go hungry. PRIORITIES!!

Well today's been about homework...guess I might as well get back to it all. *sigh*

You know your day will be rough when....

your daughter kicks you out of your own bed...at 2 months old, you find a bird trapped in your stairwell flying around, and the post is doing training exercises at the gates again.

Well I didn't update yesterday because I was so busy. Took Kaylin over to a friend's so she could watch her for a little while. I had to go observe those stupid kids again. I swear I could make up everything in the 2 hours I watch them. Now I do love going, its nice to get out of the house and play with some kids. But at the same time I just hate dragging myself to go. It seems like the biggest waste of time ever.

Last night was our first FRG meeting without the guys. It was semi successful, I'm not sure if there were many wives around anyways. The post switched around Halloween, which was stupid! Oh well, not my issue. Though I did hear a lot about it!

Anyways, this morning Kaylin and I were cuddling. She got fussy so I got up to give her a bottle, the little booger fell back asleep! And I knew if I were to attempt to climb back into bed she'd wake up again. 2 months old and kicking me out of my own bed! She's her father's daughter for sure!! But on a sad note, she is fitting in 0-3 month clothes! :( I'm so sad to let go of her newborn clothes!

Then we go to take Oreo out, and there is a little bird flying around in our stairwell! I don't *mind* birds when they are in cages or in the wild...but flying around in enclosed places that I can walk through isn't gonna fly with me. It didn't help it was right by our door. I actually knocked on the neighbor's door to see if she'd take out him out but she wasn't home. I called someone to come get it, and they managed to catch the little thing alive. Thankfully.

Top it off the post is doing more exercises today, looks like we aren't leaving the house til tomorrow morning!

Shots, OB and New Challenges

Well there is so much on my mind right now, so I guess I'll just start from the beginning.

Kaylin had her 2 month well baby visit. Despite being "tiny" she's doing well. A whopping 10 lbs 11 oz and 21 1/4 inches long. Mommy and Daddy aren't the tallest people, so she may just have Mommy's short gene...poor baby. Hopefully she gets my metabolism too, and from the way she eats...she just may. She also had her first round of shots, she got 3 and a drink sort of one. I felt so bad for her, I couldn't even look at it. I just held her little hands and kissed her forehead while I whispered that I loved her and she'd be okay. Once she was done and had Garfield band aids on her legs I scooped her up and cuddled with her. It felt so good to "save" my baby. Then we went down the hall and I fed her. She ate up a storm and then passed out. Which was nice because we still had lots to do, though we had plenty of time to do it.

Then we drove around a bit, ran some errands and then headed down to Landstuhl. We were quite a bit early, since my appointment wasn't until 1400, and we got there just after 1200. But we had to stop at the pharmacy and I was hungry. We picked up my prescription and Kaylin ate. Thankfully the pharmacy had baby Tylenol, because poor baby was hurting. :( So after that kicked in she ate again and then fell back asleep until we got home. I even managed to wash her bottles before she woke up. Now I've gotta go make her some bottles and get some darn sleep before my alarm goes off early tomorrow morning again. *sigh*

Dennis told me the other day he knows where they are going when he gets deployed. Let's just say...not too happy. I try not to think about it but its creeping up so fast. Once Dennis comes home at the end of the month, he's home until they leave. So the deployment is going to be a lot closer on the other side of this field exercise. I soooo want this month to be over so he's back home where he belongs...but at the same time I want him to stay out there longer so that he can still come home and this deployment never happens. But once it does happen we can go home. Argh, so I guess...BRING IT ON DEPLOYMENT. We're gonna kick your ass... :)

The Grind

Well out of no where I got the motivation to finish all my assignments for the week. Okay well not all of them, but I got the ones due tomorrow out of the way. Now maybe I should put this motivation to work on the house. Though the reading I haven't been doing may need to be done first. If I can just catch up on that, then I will feel better about everything. *sigh* I think it'd help too if I didn't take so many notes, that I'd be able to read faster...hmmm. =]

Dennis called last night, it was really good to just hear his voice. I miss him so much. It doesn't help that facebook keeps putting up pictures of him on the side. Then I go look around the album and go "Oh I remember that!" Ugh, grr you facebook.

Dang, so here I write about all this motivation to clean and what happens...Kaylin wakes up. Darn it!! Oh well, guess its time to snuggle up to her and read. I know I'm going to miss these days when she just wants to cuddle! Welp, I've got a stinky diaper (formula poop is so much worse than breast milk poop) to change!

A Boring Saturday

Well today was pretty darn boring. Kaylin and I woke up around 8, and I did some homework while she slept. She ate and slept off and on the majority of the morning. Then I put her in her car seat and she passed out while I got ready to run some errands. We waited for a little while and then headed out. I needed to find some Mylicon and get more formula for booger.

That all being said, I'm so nervous about Monday. Like its making me sick. Monday is the day Kaylin gets her shots. :( I feel so bad, already. Gotta make sure I eat lots and stuff so I can breastfeed her during them. Ugh, I just really, really wish I could hear from Dennis. I know she'll be fine, but they seemed so much farther away on the other side of Friday! I'm worried too because I go to the OB the same day. So its going to be a crappy day for both of us. I guess I just have to take it day by day and try to relax. Though for me, that's always easier said than done!

Just over a week until Dennis is supposed to be back, I cannot wait! I miss him so much, and Kaylin's gotten so big. Gosh its only been a month, how the heck am I supposed to last a year?! *sigh* I guess we'll know soon enough. I just have to find a friend and keep busy...neither of which I've been able to do this field exercise. Last field exercise I had a few friends and no baby. Now this time I've got Kaylin and no friends that don't have kids or their hubby's are home. Since I can't take anyone in my car that has kids unless they are older, none of which are. I mean I can fit another carseat in the car no problem but it has to go behind one of the seats, which is always recommended against. *sigh*

So now I'm just avoiding reading more. Though I should really knock out this last assignment for Child Development and then start on next week's stuff for Infant and Toddler. I hate that I do the assignments but don't read. Argh, if it was actually interesting I may. Child Development is really interesting but I have to get past the boring intro crap first. Lame! Infant and Toddler is stupid, I thought it was going to be all about baby and learning stuff about them. Not how to educate and care for them in a center. Talk about let down! Then there is psychology which I've taken before, so its not in the least most interesting but probably the easiest book to read.

Bleh, guess I'm done wasting time...back to the grind. *leeee sigghhh!*

Gloomy Friday's Suck!

Ugh, today is terribly gloomy here, honestly when isn't it?! Germany is so much more pleasant when the sun is shining and it is warm out. Winter is definitely approaching, though for the first year in a while, I can wait until it snows.

I spoke with Dennis on IM yesterday, and man did we get into it. I hate fighting with him, especially when he's so far away and we hardly talk. But sometimes things are too much. This fight was stupid too. His mom is "saying" they are going to fly us out to the US for Christmas, I'm not holding my breath because I know better. So then he asks me when he can book the ticket for him to go home! Excuse me??? When did we agree that you were flying home, and why the hell are you planning on going without Kaylin and I? And when the hell are you planning on going anyways? Its her first Christmas and then our Anniversary. Both of which, he'll miss next year. Argh, I swear I could pull out my hair. Then it always turns into, "Fine you control everything, I don't want to. I suck at life..." *rolls eyes* Seriously, NOT FAIR. I'm always the bad guy when something doesn't go the way he wants. So I flat told him, "You're an adult, you make your own damn decisions. You want to go to the barracks and get piss drunk and not come home...fine don't. But the next time you tell me 'I'm going to miss so much in Kaylin's life...' you are NOT going to like the words that come out of my mouth. Because if you're going to 'miss her so much' then spend time with her." We're your family, we matter most. Yes, I understand you haven't seen the US in almost 2 years, ME EITHER. Yes, you're getting deployed soon...but I'm not going to pay $2,000 for you to go act single back in the States while I'm in Germany taking care of our daughter. Sorry, that's ridiculous. I feel like a fool because I'm trying to dig us out of this financial hole that we're in.

Ugh, I feel like crap today. I'm not even excited it is Friday. A friend's hubby is coming back today, and it makes me really miss mine. :( I'm happy for her, but at the same time I'm jealous. I hardly talk to Dennis and her hubby calls and texts every night. Sometimes I feel so left out. Dennis works crappy hours so he sleeps all day long and gets up right before work. Sometimes I just want him to think of me, and what I'm going through. But as usual its "all about him and what he wants". I'd love to tell him yes to everything, but we can't. Sometimes I just want him to cuddle up with me on the couch without being asked, turn off the Xbox and spend a night with me and a glass of wine. But instead he talks to the people he works with, while I sit at the computer and watch. Sometimes its fine, but other times its annoying as hell. Especially when I've got a baby attached to my boob, homework to do, and trying cook dinner. I mean now that she's getting the bottle I'm sure it'll help a bit, but for now its a pain in the ass. I hate stressing about everything, but I do. I can't help it, its the way I've always been.

Top it off I had my meeting with the German lawyer about my phone contract today. We're paying 100 euro a month on it so that we don't have to deal with it anymore. I tried calling Dennis all day, his phone rang but he never picked up. Then when I knew he'd be up I tried calling and it was out of service area. So he'd seen me try to call, and instead of trying to call back he just ignored it. THANKS. Is it November yet?

Brand New to This!

Well I have never done this before but I figure that having a place to vent and talk about what is on my mind will be good thing, even if no one reads it.

Today has been a bittersweet day for me. It started out completely rough, but its 1:40 pm now and besides being tired I'm not doing too bad. I resigned from work this morning, it was hard to think about not going back but its just not financially worth it.

I finally heard from my husband who's out on field duty. It sucks, he's in podunk Germany and has like no reception. I hate not hearing from him, it's actually quite annoying!!

I've also finally made up my mind about stopping breastfeeding our daughter. I've fought with the idea for a few weeks but more so lately because she's been so fussy. I never though to connect the fact that I have been terribly stressed out to her lack of sleeping and being so fussy. So my increased stress about everything has lessened my milk production and is making it more difficult for her to eat. I've always been a stresser no matter what I do, so trying to relax to help my milk production just doesn't happen. I know the task will be exhausting too but its for the best. If she's not happy I'm not happy, which in turn makes her unhappy again. She's now been down and asleep for over an hour, and I don't believe she'll be waking up any time soon. She's finally "full".

Its hard being without your spouse and have a new baby. But I can only do my best. Yes, I'll have a melt down or two and spend the night crying, but those days will become fewer and farther in between. I'm not honestly looking forward to this upcoming deployment, but I will get through it because it will be one step closer to being back in the US!!