Thursday, January 27, 2011


So after a deployment Q&A with some of the other spouses I've come to the conclusion that I am just freaked the eff out. I have no idea what to expect for myself, Kaylin and my husband. I see all these spouses who have had multiple deployments and I can't even think about this one. I think the only thing holding me sane is the fact that I have Kaylin. I can't break down, I can't spend 3 weeks in my bed, I can't not eat for days and get too weak. I just can't. I'm sure some of this boils down to the past experiences that I've had. But now its time to make a list, a list that Dennis and I are going to talk about, figure out and work together to make me feel more comfortable about all of this. I know that he has expectations of me as well, but he won't talk to me about them. So tonight we sit down, and (for lack of a better term) hash it out.

Off to make a list while all of this is still fresh in my mind. Oh and Dear Deployment....I HATE YOU. :)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Long Day

Well there really isn't anything new going on at the moment. Dennis is still in pre-deployment mode, I am still in semi-freak out mode, and the weather is solidly in "I can't make up my mind" mode. After two and a half weeks of warm, rain filled days, its back to winter. I haven't been outside yet today, so I have no idea if the snow is wet or dry. It is sticking, so I guess that's something. The end of this week is looking so busy, it isn't fun!

The guys are still in major pre-deployment mode. Dennis hasn't been home to see Kaylin before bed during the week in days. I'm just so ready for him to go, but at the same time I don't want him to leave! Ugh, I hate the feeling. When he isn't home and can't be, it really isn't that big of a deal. Its when he isn't home and can be that I have trouble. Even though he "can't" be home because its work, still. I guess its one of the "joys" of military life.

I am in semi-freak out mode still. I can't bring myself not to get frustrated when he gets home late. I know its not his fault, but its just one of those things. I hate that he can't enjoy himself and that he hates work. I know its also just one of those things but its still hard to deal with. I dunno maybe I'm just still scared or something. *shrug* I'm trying to be strong but I know I can only do this for so long.

And now the weather is back to snowing again. WTF!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Formula Nazi vs Mommy

Wow, 2 blogs in less than 24 hours?! Seriously, what hit the fan and died?!! =]

So after my oh so very eventful morning (like it could get any better) my dear friend Correna and I headed to Ramstein to get WIC done. Yeah, I could have gotten it here in B-town, but the produce is much better from the air base. Heck lots is better in the Air Force...that's another rant though. Our car was back in the shop because the idiots ordered the wrong part for it. Now its fixed and we're back in business. Anyways, so I couldn't drive. So Correna said she'd take me and off we went!

We spent a good few hours wandering around the PX. Amidst the constant yells for Correna's boys, we had a good time. Kaylin got a few new outfits out of the deal and some sitting up in the cart time. She liked it, though she is getting too big for her mommy's liking.

Off to the commissary we go, 4 kids in tow. Its already after 5, the boys are hungry and done, Kaylin is hungry and wanting to go to bed, and I'm emotionally drained. But I need to fill the WIC, Kaylin is running out of formula. Well the extra stuff would be nice too, ya know the milk and eggs and cheese. But she is my main priority, naturally. I fight through the crowd of people trying to buy things for dinner at the last minute, feeding Kaylin with one hand, trying desperately to steer the cart and get the necessary food off the shelves. I tell ya, that itself is a challenge!

So finally after navigating multiple aisles and endless frustration I have finished the WIC checks! Woo hoo, all the angels are singing, okay well maybe its just me but I was happy to be almost done. All we had to do was check out, Kaylin was doing her usual howl because she was so exhausted and I was overwhelmed. Frustrated, I begin loading my groceries onto the belt. Fruits and veggies, milk, cheese, eggs, cereal, juice, beans, and formula. I hand my checks, my WIC booklet, and my military ID to the cashier.

Cashier: "Are these in order?"

Me: "Sorry?"

Cashier: "Are these checks in the order you want to use them?"

Me: Are you kidding me? Can you not read? I have to seriously put them in order? Be glad I at least separated the crap by check! "No, they aren't."

Cashier: "Well I need you to sign them."

I took the pen she handed me and began signing my name on all 6 checks. I began shaking from the low blood sugar and frustration from listening to Kaylin crying...yet AGAIN.

Me: "Here you go."

Cashier: "Can you tear them and put them in order?"

Me: Again with the order? WTF!! Lady you are at least 18...meaning that 1, you can read and 2 I do not have to tear WIC checks apart for your convenience. Its not like its 10 minutes to closing or anything! "Sure."

I take the checks again, separate them and put them in order. Okay not hard, done. I go back to Kaylin and give her pacifier, hushing her and rocking the cart back and forth. The lady messes up on one so a person with a key has to come over and finish out the transaction. It happens, I worked at Wal-Mart, I've messed up too. However my patience is running very thin, I've had quite the day. During the transaction another cashier comes up with her till, obviously taking over for the cashier that is currently checking me out. Been there, done that too. Well she begins ringing up Kaylin's formula...and this is where the fun starts. The take over cashier notices the formula that I've gotten for Kaylin. It used to be Enfamil Premium Lipil, and the name has been changed to Enfamil Premium Infant. Same thing as she's always had, just a new name. The formula is still WIC approved, the sticker is on the shelf at the commissary, and the receipt still says WIC. Sweet, no big deal...everything is covered and we're on the same page. OHHH NOOOO that belief is very short lived. The replacement cashier takes the formula and says:

Cashier 2: "You can't get this. They've stopped allowing it on WIC."

Me: "Since when? This is what I've gotten for my daughter the entire time I've bought formula. It says it on the check. Lipil premium..its the SAME thing just a new name."

Cashier 2: "Well we've been told you can't get it."

Me: "There's a WIC sticker on the shelf..."

She proceeds to take the can of formula to the office and speak with a lady. Meanwhile, my lovely spawn is acting up again...not a great moment Kaylin....PLEASE!

Out of the office comes Formula Nazi. The conversation below is for your entertainment.

Formula Nazi: "You can't get this on WIC."

Me: "Why not?"

Formula Nazi: "Because we aren't getting paid for it anymore because of the name change. So we aren't allowing it to be sold."

Me: "EXCUSE ME? It says WIC on the receipt, your shelf says its WIC approved, the CHECK says its WIC approved. You can't deny me the formula."

Formula Nazi: "We got our report back for December and we lost over $2,000 because we aren't getting the money back for this product. WIC won't reimburse us. You need to go to the WIC office and speak with them."

Me: "YOUR SHELF SAYS WIC. If you had this big of an issue with it, someone should have marched themselves back to the shelf and placed a sign for all WIC families. They haven't, so give me the formula."

Formula Nazi: "I can't ma'am. We'll end up paying for it. They do not reimburse us. You have to go to WIC and have them change your checks."

Me: "My daughter needs this formula. We have no more left. I can't afford to be buying this." Okay I can, and she has formula left. But you do not need to know that.

Formula Nazi: "I'm sorry ma'am. They don't reimburse us, so we can't give it to you."

Me: "This makes NO sense. Its what I've gotten for her since I switched her. I'm not changing it now, unless you want to deal with my fussy, gassy, crabby, teething baby. So you can just give me the formula and we can go on. Your register and this receipt say differently." Holding up the receipt to show her that it still is approved.

Formula Nazi: "Ma'am it is WIC approved but since the name is different we aren't getting paid
back for it. So we need you to go talk to the WIC office and get them to change the check."

Me: "That doesn't sound logical, it WIC approved but I cannot get it because YOU aren't getting the money for it? That sounds like your store needs to take it up with the WIC offices. And then in turn they need to contact people that have WIC and are using formula and make sure they can fix this problem. So now you can give me the formula."

Formula Nazi: "I can't ma'am."

Me: "Well here then, obviously since I can't get the formula I've already used the check for, GET ME THE CHECK BACK. And then YOU better walk your happy butt (yes I said butt) back there and take the little sticker off the shelf and put up a sign to your customers. This is terrible customer service." I shoved the receipt back at her, completely pissed beyond belief.

Formula Nazi: "I will ma'am, you can have the formula she's already rang up and we'll just eat the loss. But you can't have the rest. You have to get with WIC."

Me: "FINE." I snatch the checks back from the woman, still not believing what she is telling me. I mutter to myself all the way back out to the car, where Correna and the kids are patiently waiting. I start telling her my story and how I cannot believe what terrible customer service I had at the commissary. Top it off I can't even remember the lady's name! Ugh!!

I called WIC this morning and the lady had NO idea what I was talking about. She said she'd call her supervisor and get back to me, but I haven't heard anything in hours. She said she couldn't change the checks because their system still says the Premium Lipil. So even the freaking WIC office has no idea about it!!!!

I've also filled out an ICE card about the experience, she was quite rude because she knows I have no other place to go to fill this...except another commissary. Gosh sometimes living over here SUCKS!

Darling little angel

SHUT UP! Goodness gracious go to sleep already. I swear if I could hear my neighbor's talk they'd probably think I abused my daughter. =[ I'm trying to deal with her constant crying and need to be held. And day after day I just give in because I'm not in the mood to deal with the crying. *sigh* Must I be so determined but at the same time completely sick of hearing her crying. I'm not sure my little darling angel is feeling so good either. She's been tugging at her ears lately.

She also decided that o'dark 30 was a good time to wake up this morning. I'm not sure who or convinced her of that. I can say o'dark 30 because when its still dark at 8:30 am, 6:30 is o'dark 30. =] I crawled out of bed, and wandered to the sink to begin preparing a breakfast bottle. Scoop, Scoop, Scoop....water, yep that's warm enough just now to make sure I don't go over 6....pour...stop!!! Now shake it up and off I go still fighting the idea to just feed Kaylin in our bed to maybe get another bit of sleep. Meh, might as well get up and make coffee. I pick her up and we head for the couch. I put the bottle in her mouth, ahhh quiet!! I begin to check Facebook as she eats. Not long after I put the bottle in her mouth its done, she eats so fast! Kept it all down, so I laid her on her play mat and made my coffee. Ahhh, coffee. Then I spill the grounds all over the place, AGAIN! DAMN IT!!! It gets cleaned up and I make my way to the couch with my warm waking up beverage. I sip on it and begin my daily routine of checking websites and things. Dennis comes home and lovingly puts on his Ipod to drown out the noise of my TV. Thanks....

He heads out and leaves me with a tired, fussy baby. Ugh, not another day like yesterday. I do not feel like dealing with a screaming kid today. Bleh! She wakes up, and I put her in her swing so I can do some laundry. She starts getting fussy so I go to make her a bottle and the hot water is barely working. GREAT, did the dumbasses turn off the water again?! EFFFFF. I make a bottle with cold water and stick it in the heating appliance my aunt so ingeniously sent me. Then I toss on shoes, amidst the screams of my hungry spawn and take Oreo outside to check the door for any shut off of the water notices. NOPE! Great, now I'm pissed. I'm calling DPW!! I hurry Oreo up and come back upstairs to shove the bottle in Kaylin's mouth. I call DPW.

DPW Lady: "Work orders..."
Me: "My hot water is not working..."
DPW Lady: "Okay, what building?"
Me: "8811" She better not tell me they know of a problem...
DPW Lady: "We'll send someone out."
Me: "Thank you." Gah, it better be fast. I hate slow heating bottles!

I return to the faucet to see if its back on. Yup. So I call back and tell them never mind its back on. Sweet, probably DPW screwing around downstairs. Well one of the trashcans smelled and had liquid in the bottom so I went to clean it out with the hot water from the tub. It had a funny color, Goodness how dirty was this trashcan?! Seriously?? Hmmm, maybe its the water. I flip on the light, to see. Yup, the water is BROWN. Are you freaking kidding me?! Its brown!! The water in my bathroom is BROWN. Gross!! Now I'm not going to be able to do laundry or anything. I'm not letting my daughter's clothes to be washed in BROWN water!! I freaking hate this place.

I still have brown water coming out of the hot water in my tub. Hmmph....hopefully neither of us need a bath sometime soon.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


We finally got our house back in some sort of order. Okay, sort of! Haha, we took the Christmas stuff down today. We decided to leave the desk in Kaylin's room for now. She really isn't going to need to have space in there just yet, and our living room at the moment, can't support everything. I'm not sure if when Dennis gets deployed I may move a couch downstairs or something to help open it up, but we'll see. I'm lazy, so I'm probably just blowing smoke outta my ass. :)

We let Kaylin try squash today. She loved it SO much. It was cute, she ate the entire bowl I prepared. I couldn't believe it. I was expecting so much more of a fight than she gave me. I really hope it says this way and she isn't a picky eater in the future. I'm not sure if I could tolerate a picker eater than me!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Sometimes I hate my husband....

No, its not going to be one of those blogs actually. SURPRISE.

For the last few days, hell has been unleashed on my lower back. No clue what I did, but all I know is it sucks ass. I can barely walk, picking up Kaylin royally sucks. I pushed through till Wednesday when Correna and the boys came over to help out a bit and brought me dinner. Angels, I must say. Well Dennis took me to my chiropractor appointment on Thursday, I could hardly walk. I waddle into the room, she adjusts my back and then has another lady work on my muscles. Honestly, almost better than a massage. So I left a little tender but more able to walk. Dennis drops me off at home and goes back to work. I (smartly might I add) made an appointment to see the normal doctor in case I couldn't get anything from the chiro.

So I get up this morning, not really thinking because my appointment was at 8:30 and I got up at 7:40. No biggie right, but between driving time and getting into the clinic itself I have to leave no later than 8. Damn for the no sleeping! Dennis changes Kaylin's diaper and I mosey to the coffee pot. I manage to make a giant mess with the coffee...FML! I flip the switch on the coffee pot, grab the dust pan and sweep up the coffee off the ground. Then I manage to get dressed, actually dressed, and put Kaylin in her car seat. DAMN...I realize, no bottle. EFFFF! Well we don't have time for her to eat at the house, so I quick make one and go. Thankfully we get to the clinic and I get a bottle in her mouth before she starts screaming. Thank you Jesus that she was cooperating this morning. Usually she screams until the little rubber nipple touches her lips. I've actually looked and her and said, "When was the last time I starved you? HUH? I know you're hungry, and you will get food. Aye child!"

I proceed into the clinic, ramming the stroller into every corner and wall I can find. Because feeding a child and steering a stroller isn't exactly what I have mastered yet. I go to check in at the Team 1 desk (totally unsure of who and where my appointment is at). The nice lady informs me I'm upstairs now, only pediatrics is on the bottom floor. Oh, simple enough. Good to know now! So I turn the stroller around, managing to bonk the side of the wall again and find the nearest elevator. Of course, its a po-dunk elevator. With...get this GERMAN wording on it. Seriously?! For crying out loud, I just wanted to stab the button. We're on post, come on people! I look at Kaylin and tell her, very matter-of-factly that we are not to get stuck in said elevator, because if we do I am going to be a VERY angry mommy.

Thankfully we make it out of the elevator, no yelling needed. Which is good because I didn't really feel like yelling. I check in and sit down. There is a German mom and her son sitting a row up from me, and she's looking at (I'm assuming) a rash. Fan-freaking-tastic lady. I really hope my kid doesn't get anything. Thankfully I didn't take her out of the carseat so hopefully being in no physical contact will help. I get called back and the guy gets my weight and info and takes me back. Oh yeah, I'm seeing like the worlds "best" doctor. I say that with EVERY ounce of exaggeration I can muster. She annoys the living crap out of me, every time I go in there. I kid you not, she asks me if I know where the pharmacy is every single time I go in there. Well unless the damn thing has moved in the last week (for the 300th time) I'm pretty sure I know where it is. NOOOO this time she has to actually walk me down there. I guess something about the pharmacy being closed except for patients.

Anyways, I get my prescription for my muscle relaxers and Aleve and head out the door. I decide to stop at the Shopette because we need gas in the car and I've gotta return some movies. I get up to pay and what do I hear, "MRS RHOADES!!!!!!" Oh lordy, the only person I know that calls me that is our FRL...which is with my husband...supposed to be off geocaching...over an HOUR ago. I turn...oh lookey, there my hubby is climbing out of the truck. Ugh, go figure this is going to turn from a simple 8-12 event to an all day event. Just what I need. We go in, return the movies and stuff and go our separate ways.

I proceed to go to the car place to get stuff done that he was supposed to do. I pick up the part we need, schedule an oil change and time to get the part put in. Score, so Kaylin and I head to the commissary and then the post office. I decide that since I don't particularly want to go home, I stop by my old job and chit chat for a while. After about an hour or so, Kaylin and I head back to the house and collapse on the couch. Around 4, the spawn decides that she will no longer nap and is hungry. So I get a bottle and some cereal made and she eats. I put in the potatoes for dinner, still not hearing anything from Dennis. I'm getting annoyed because I'm hurting and I'm exhausted from not sleeping. I call Dennis, who conviently says they are still 30 minutes away and haven't even left yet. JOY. I lay Kaylin down just before 6 so that she can get some sleep and I start fixing dinner, twice baked potato casserole (seeing as we don't have the good potatoes here, I can't put them back in the potato skin).

Just after 6 I hear the jingle of keys. Great he's home. I try to keep my cool and pretend that the hamburger meat that I am browning is my hubby. Mash, mash, mash! Well then I hear, "Babyyyy...I love you..." He's up to something...I'm mad and he's going to be a pain in my ass somehow. I turn around and he's got flowers in his hand. GAH! I can't even be mad at him. I hate when he does that sometimes! I wanted to stomp my feet and get mad, but I couldn't. He didn't want to be gone that long, he didn't mean to make it an all day event, but it just happened.

Dang it, I love that man.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Coming to terms

Lately I am not sure what to make of my feelings. On one hand, I am apprehensive about the deployment coming up and on the other I am so ready to get it over with.

I'm not sure if its because the communication is going to be worse than we thought, and I'll be lucky to get a phone call a month. But then he said the platoon was thinking about splitting the cost of a satellite so they could have internet. It'll boil down to like $50 a month. And I'm totally ALL for that. Or because I'm nervous that he isn't going to feel the same about me. Which I know is absolutely ridiculous, its a stupid reason. I know better but for some reason I think I'm afraid that history is going to repeat itself. Though I sit there and think about it. What happens if history repeats itself? I survived once, it wasn't easy but now I know what I need to do for myself. No, I do not want it, AT ALL. But I have to realize these fears are stupid and unnecessary. Even if he comes home and doesn't want me, and Kaylin will move back home and I'll find someone who does. RIGHT?! So my darling brain, STOP thinking. :) Trust your husband, because he loves you and he would do anything for you.

On the other hand, I want it to start SO bad. I want to go home in July, see him in August and then go back to the States for Christmas. I am going to count, but count UP. I am going to set realistic goals, go on trips, and hang out with the girls. I can do this. I've done it before, separation sucks but I know its not good bye, its see ya later!

A wise person once said..."Missing someone gets easier every day because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will. ♥"

Saturday, January 8, 2011

When the going gets tough...

...the tough get going. Or so they say.

I haven't been on here in a few days, in all honesty I've been flat exhausted. Between Kaylin waking up and not getting a solid night of sleep, and then getting more sleep so my body thinks its tired, and all the stress of this upcoming deployment I've just been beat come 8 pm.

Honestly I love my husband, though sometimes I wish I could pound into his head everything I was thinking at the time. Yes looking back at everything I have been a bit crazy and moody. But on top of adjusting myself to him being gone, having a (soon to be) 5 month old, being in a foreign country, and all my responsibilities of FRG leader we have to figure out how to make my car pass inspection. NOT something I was looking forward to, not going to lie.

But I think we're finally on the same page about things. I do understand he needs his guy time, but its important for him to realize I need me time too. I just never feel like I can leave him home with Kaylin. I feel like for him, she's a chore. I know he doesn't believe that. Its just how I feel sometimes. I told him that and we've talked about it. I think I'm going to start using the time to take Kaylin up to the CDC when it gets closer to him going so that we can spend some alone time together. Plus we have free hours, why the heck not use em! Plus it helps me get the break I need too. I love Kaylin to death but sometimes I think she's going to be the death of me. Okay, only when she's screaming.

Oh and my lovely child has now figured that feeding herself and battling mommy for the spoon is more fun than actually eating. JOY. And she is getting teeth. Scratch that...fangs. Yes my child is going to be broadcast to the world, hopefully I can land her a role in the last Twilight movie. :) It was quite the day when I saw that little pearly white rear its ugly, and sharp!, head. Kaylin took her first tooth like a champ, the second...ehhh not so pleasantly. She's been on a slow and steady drip of Infant Tylenol. Just kidding, she's gotten just one dose today. Goodness!! Though her outfit may speak a different story.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Day Two

So this one is going to be short and sweet. Dennis has to get up early in the morning to take people to the airport, and its our anniversary so I'm going to celebrate it the way an anniversary should be celebrated. :D

Hope you all had a wonderful day. And to my husband, the wonderful father, lover and man that I have been so blessed to have in my life...I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I can honestly say that because without you, I would not have a beautiful daughter that makes my life complete. I cannot believe how lucky I am that God chose you for me. You are more than I could ever ask for and without you, I have no idea where I would be. I may get angry, hurt, jealous, mean and even crabby with you, but know that you are everything to me. I love you.

Good night. xxx

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Here's to the END of 2011

So this is 2011. Already. Where did the year go?? This time last year Dennis and I were getting ready to celebrate our 1 year anniversary, I was a few weeks pregnant with Kaylin, and Dennis was about to get promoted. Since then I've had a job, switched jobs, had Kaylin, been a single mommy (when Dennis couldn't be here), gotten plenty of frustrated and been scared out of my mind for 2011.

Now I'm so ready to kick this year in its ass! I don't want my husband to go to the giant sandbox, because the thought really freaks me out a bit. But we've talked about it and he's promised to stay safe and come home to us. I've also decided what will be will be. I cannot focus on what's gone on in the past and let it effect my future. This is a new year and I've completely decided to let go of those past years. Not only is it effecting my life, but my relationship with my husband and daughter. The anxiety I held for so long cannot control me anymore. It has me constantly irritable, biting the head off the dog, Kaylin and Dennis. Its not fair to them because they do not understand why I am so irritable, because I cannot bring myself to say it all to Dennis. He has proven himself a man, a father and mature adult plenty of times over in the last 2 years and now its time to start treating him like one. Now I know its not going to be easy, but I'm definitely going to try. I am short tempered with Kaylin, and now I know lately its because of a lack of sleep, but I don't want to be like that. I love her to death and I hate that I get so irritated with her sometimes. It breaks my heart.

Now all that being said, we had a wonderful New Years Eve. We went over to Correna's house and hung out with her family. :) I love going over there, it gets me out of the house and it helps me relax a bit. Then we came home, I cooked egg rolls and Dennis went to get the friends. We partied until the wee hours of the morning and watched the Germans lighting fireworks. Gotta love the Germans on that occasion.

Happy New Year!