Thursday, October 23, 2014

Update on events

I just want to start this by thanking everyone for their concern. We are all okay. Shaken up but overall thankful for everyone's safety. We are definitely counting our blessings that it wasn't worse than it was. 

The man that drove into our apartment was not drunk. He had only an adult learners permit, no insurance, the plates weren't good and his registration wasn't valid. He apologized to us as well. 

As for the apartment, there is significant damage to the window with the possibility of foundation damage they can't assess until we aren't in the apartment. The complex has temporarily put us in the model until they can get us into a new place. We'd discussed just living in the model temporarily until the apartment is fixed, however when we looked outside our building in the hallway we noticed cracks that weren't there yesterday. We believe the foundation has been compromised so we aren't going back to that apartment. 

Thank you everyone for thinking of us and checking on us. We appreciate it! 

Monday, June 9, 2014

Thank you :)

That moment.

The moment you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

Honestly, I thought I'd felt that way before. But now, now I know I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.

I can't help but be thankful.

My Little. The sweet, funny, bright child that reminds me completely of me. In one hand I'm completely humbled. I am so grateful that I've been chosen to raise her. Sometimes I think she's the lucky one but then I stop and take in everything and realize that it is in fact, ME, that is the lucky one.  She saved me. Everything I strive for, everything I do, I do for her.

The man that I stand beside. I owe so much to you in such a short period of time. Not only have you been my rock, but you have shown me what my life was missing. The joy I feel now, was long lost. I locked this part of my heart away, protecting it. Instead, without knowing, you broke down every defense, stole my heart and made me a better person. Without you, things would be very different. I am so blessed and thankful that I am able to stand beside you and know that you'll be there for me with everything.

My family. I am so thankful that I have each and every one of. I could have never done any of this on my own. You each have brought me to where I am now. Even if the guidance was a bit of tough love, or a shoulder to cry on. I love you.

I couldn't be more thankful for my life right now.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013 in a Nutshell

Wow. It seems like yesterday that I was celebrating Christmas at home with family for the first time in years. Now we've been home almost 3 years. It just blows my mind.

This year was met with sadness, loss, happiness, and love. Each emotion was bittersweet in its own way. The beginning of the year started out rough. Saying good bye to one of my dearest friends was heartbreaking. I still remember saying good bye that cold, snowy morning and wishing it was all just a dream. But from there I moved on. I grew, I learned, I slowly became whole again.

April brought new challenges. I was finally divorced, something years in the making. Even though it was never my dream to be 25 and divorced, life has an unexplained way of working out just the way it is supposed to.

The summer was spent relaxing by the pool, hanging out with my daughter and working. Just the way it should have been. In those months I felt renewed and finally happy again. Little and I made some of the best memories just sitting there smiling and drawing outside with chalk. I'll never forget the night we were snuggled up on the couch watching cartoons and I told her it was time for bed. She promptly replied, "No!" and turned her face from me. I assumed she would turn back around in a minute or two to see if I was looking at her. About a minute later I felt a huge twitch and glance over to her sound asleep. Sometimes we just need cuddles I guess!

This fall was a huge game changer. I transferred stores and became a full time employee. I worked hard for years to get that position and I wasn't going to let anyone tell me I couldn't do it. It turns out, that decision was one of the best decisions I ever made. I got to start out new and fresh. I didn't have people asking me questions about my personal life. It was like I finally let go of the old stuff I was holding onto. Though I miss some of the people at my old store dearly, I know that this was the better choice for me.

At the end of October we visited my mom in Georgia. For once I didn't have to plan Little's Halloween costume around a heavy coat. It was a nice relaxing trip, time to spend with family and just get away from the hustle and bustle that was my life.

The holiday season came and went so fast, its all a blur anymore. Spending Thanksgiving here and Christmas there, I wouldn't have had it any other way. And of course ringing in the New Year, sick sitting on my couch with the guy who makes me smile most definitely was the icing on the cake. And words cannot honestly describe how thankful I am for him. A good chunk of the time, we're decently in sync. We might get into the occasional argument or tiff but we still end up smiling. He melts my heart in a way that I've missed for a long time.

So here's to 2014. May it be just as phenomenal as 2013 was!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Conversations with my toddler

Walking through the PX holding hands. Kaylin, did you just lick me? Kaylin smiles and licks my hand again. Kaylin! Seriously, did you just lick me?

Kaylin: Old McDonald had UNDERWEARS! Old McDonald had UNDERWEARS!

Kaylin: Mom can I play with my cupcake game?
Me: No, let's wait until everyone leaves.
Kaylin: Mom, please!
Me: No baby, let's wait until everyone goes home. And then I'll play *with* you.
Kaylin: That doesn't sound like a very good deal.

Me: Come on Kaylin, let's go we have to go to the doctor!
Kaylin: No, I don't like the doctor.
Me: It's okay baby, its like Doc McStuffins for people!
A little while later while at the doctor....
Kaylin: Doc McStuffins?! Why you wear that coat? *doctor laughs*
Me: Sorry, she didn't want to come.

Me as Hot Blooded comes on my iPod: Kaylin what is this song?
Kaylin: Hot body!!!
Me: Atta girl!

Kaylin: Mommy, I wanna listen to "ahhhh, take-a-me home a-nite".

Me: Kaylin, don't eat your boogers. And don' DO NOT put your boogers on the TV.

Me: Kaylin, pick out a movie to watch.
Kaylin goes to the DVD rack and brings back a Family Guy Season.
Me: Let's pick something else. How about Curious George or Cinderella?!

Me: Kaylin, don't make a mess.
Kaylin:  I no make a mess, Mommy. *turns her bowl of ice cream upside down*
Me: Fan-tas-tic. Thank you.

Kaylin: Ow! You hurt my arm! Now I can't walk.

Kaylin: I no like you. I go see Bella and Grammie.
Me: That's fine.
Kaylin: I go home and see Grammie.
Me: We are home Kaylin.
Kaylin: Oh yeah, silly goose!

Kaylin: Are we there yet?
Me: Please don't start.
Kaylin: MOM! Are we there yet?
Me: Kaylin we *just* got into the car.
Kaylin: Are we there yet?
Me: NO! Don't ask again.
Kaylin: Where are we going, Mommy?

Kaylin: This the right foot, Mommy?
Me: No baby, other foot.
Kaylin: No, this is the right foot.
Me: No baby, your other foot...still.
Kaylin: Oh you silly goose!
Me: Well at least you are consistent. To where you consistently put your shoes on the wrong feet.

Kaylin: Mommy, its gonna stink in here!
Me: Okay Kaylin. I changed your diapers at one point.
Kaylin: Nooooo!
Me: Yes huh. When you were a baby you pooped in your pants.
Kaylin: I no poop in my pants. You silly, Mommy.

*Kaylin wakes me up by poking me in the eye*
Kaylin: Mommy, wake up.
Me: Huh?
Kaylin: MOMMY! Wake up and scoot over. SCOOT OVER MOMMY!

Me: You're my baby.
Kaylin: No. I not a baby!
Me: You're right. You're my big girl.
Kaylin: No, I'm not a girl. I'm a boy.
Me: You're a girl.
Kaylin: No. I not a girl. I'm a boy!
Me: You're a girl.
Kaylin: No I not. I Kaylin A-Jean. 
Me: Sold.

Me: Kaylin, say 'Go Steelers!'
Kaylin: Go Steelers!
Me: Kaylin say, 'Tony Homo.'
Kaylin: Tony Homo.

Me: Kaylin come on, let's get in the shower.
Kaylin: I no need a shower. I not stinky.
Me: Kaylin you didn't get a bath yesterday or the day before. Shower. Now.
Kaylin: I'm clean.
Me: You're gonna get all clean. Now go potty.
Kaylin: I don't need to go potty.
Me: Fine, get in the shower.
Kaylin after getting in the shower: Mommy, I have to go potty!

Friday, July 26, 2013

It really doesn't get easier. :(

I never thought seven years would pass as fast as it has. Missing you never gets easier. I have good days and bad days. The holidays, birthdays, and Father's Day are the hardest.

I'll never forget the day we lost you. I can't remember the movie I was in when Dad called to tell me that you were in the hospital. Now it just seems like a waste of time. I wish I could have been there, next to you. I played off this hospital stay as "just a bit of pneumonia" and you would be fine. Still to this day, I wish I would have picked up the phone and told you how much I love you.

I was napping when I got the call. Dad's voice just didn't seem, right. It was strained, his tone was sharp, there was no joking. The words cut me like a knife, "Ashlee, where's your mom?". Still to this day I get the chills when I think of that moment. The moment I realized that something was indefinitely, wrong. I begged him to tell me what had happened. All he did was repeatedly ask for my mom. I confirmed she wasn't home and pleaded with my dad to tell me what had happened. There was a huge lump in my throat, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, adrenaline flooded my system.

When Dad told me what had happened I couldn't believe it. I remember crying, hearing the tears on the other end of the phone. I begged him to tell me he was kidding, that it was all some sick joke. He wasn't gone. Not my best friend. Not the person I had spent 18 birthday's with. Not MY Papa.

The next memory I have is of my mom running up the hill to her new house in Georgia, tears in her eyes. I remember throwing myself into packing, telling them I was going to get on a plane tonight. I had to be home. Papa needed me. Everyone told me that it wasn't a good idea to fly. I was hysterical. I didn't want to be 3,000 miles from home. I remember calling my work, telling them I wasn't coming back for my shift in a few days. They understood. I told my mom I wasn't staying at her house. Because they had just moved, none of their stuff had arrived yet, there was nothing to distract me. We all piled into my mom's car and went to eat, and shop.

The next day I could barely wait to get on that plane. I cried the entire flight from Atlanta to Houston. I barely even remember getting off the plane. I attempted to eat spaghetti in the terminal because I was starving, but took a few bites and remembered that Papa would never again taste Grandma's spaghetti and I had to throw it out. The plane from Houston to the Springs was a blur. I know a nice lady handed me a few pages of her Sudoku in an attempt to keep my mind off everything. It sort of worked, the tears were less frequent at least.

I got off the plane, hugged my family and just collapsed into the arms of my (at the time) boyfriend. Being home, seeing their tear stained faces made it real. Papa was gone, and I didn't even say goodbye. The next days are a blur of people, tears and food. So much food. And the last thing I even wanted to do was eat. I was beyond numb. It felt like there was an enormous hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I remember begging my dad to just leave me home one afternoon because I couldn't stand the thought of more people, more food, and more "I'm so sorry"'s. It wasn't going to bring him back. I look back and I know that everyone meant well and that they were doing it out of love for us and for Papa but at the time I was so angry that I just wanted them all to leave me alone.

I remember the wake. Standing in that room with Papa's body 50 feet away. I remember believing that if I didn't look it wouldn't be real. That I would wake up from this horrible dream and I could pick up the phone and talk to him. I avoided most of the people and I avoided the front of the room. I sat in the back crying, rocking back and forth. At some point I remember being supported and half carried to the front of the room by my (at the time) boyfriend and dad. I remember the way he looked. Almost like he had been stuffed with a cardboard box. That wasn't my Papa. He didn't have a round belly, his skin an almost unnatural flesh color. I remember a pink tint to his lips. But I had to accept the unacceptable, he was gone. He was laying there so peacefully in his favorite CC Tiger jersey. I'm sure I only stood up there for a minute, but still to this day it seems like hours.

The funeral is a blur. But I know that I still cannot listen to Amazing Grace and not cry. I remember being so exhausted in every way possible. I could barely keep my eyes open, but at the same time I avoided sleeping until I could not physically stay awake any longer.

Sometimes I find myself reaching for my phone to call him. Only to remember I don't have the number to Heaven. I'm so sad he never got to meet Kaylin. But I'm sure he's looking down laughing at me right now as I type this with a constant flow of tears. He's telling me that he sent that little girl to me, because he knew I needed her. He sent her special, just for me. I'm sad that I can't just have one more hug and know that no matter what I'm going through right now, it will all be okay and that he loves me. I know I will always want one more. Because when you lose someone who means so much to you, one more is just never enough.

He would fix anything he could. I remember countless Barbie heads being reattached as he yelled about the obnoxious number of naked Barbies we had. I remember how he loved Corona, and sprayed the daylights out of an area of his favorite Mexican restaurant . I remember his little green coin holder that smelled like years of loose change. I remember how much he bickered with my grandma because she would move stuff around on him, "Dammit, Ginger!". I remember the trap he made to catch the pesky squirrels in the backyard, and how excited he got when he actually caught one. He would drive them to Palmer Park and let them go, so they would have a nice big area to run around in. I remember how much he loved fishing. Boy did he love to fish. I remember how he taught us to use maggots and would always make his own flies for fly fishing. I remember curling up next to him in his chair, pushing off the crossword puzzle that was meticulously folded. He always had room for us in that chair, even at 16 that was still my favorite spot in the house. Every now and then when I close my eyes I can imagine myself in that chair, my head on his chest.

I miss him, so much. I love you Papa. Always and Forever

April 13th 1934 - July 28th 2006

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Day 36 – A picture of your pet

Well ya'll I don't have a pet. Not even a fish. Its not that I don't like pets, because that's far from it. Right now I know that the responsibility of having a pet is more than I can take at the moment. Between work, living in an apartment, and being a single mom...I just don't have the time to devote to a pet, of any sort.

Now that being said, I'd LOVE a German Shepherd. I've always loved them. They are so loyal, and beautiful. So instead of making this a post of MY pet, I'm going to post about the pet that I've always wanted. And one day, when I have a house and a big enough back yard with the time to devote to him/her, I plan on getting.

Don't they make the cutest puppies?

Friday, January 4, 2013

Day 35 – A picture of your hometown

This is home. Colorado Springs, Colorado. Our city, sitting at the base of Pikes Peak. The place I was born and raised. The place that I would love to raise my kiddo.

There is so much to do here. We've got the best of both worlds. We've got the city, with its abundance of movie theaters, malls, nightlife, and good neighborhoods and schools. And we're close to the mountains for the weekend getaways and daily hiking trips. We've got Santa's Workshop, The Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, and The Garden of the Gods. Plenty to do outside and inside.

I love my city. I love being able to do just about anything I want at any time. I'm thankful this is home.