The Chicken Story

Dennis and I have been married only 2 Thanksgiving's. The first Thanksgiving we went to our friend's and this year we ended up making a turkey roast because we went to Dennis' platoon sergeant's house. So in all fairness...I have never cooked a turkey. However, this story is not about a turkey....

Sitting here, my last day in Wiesbaden, Jennifer and I decide dinner will be oven roasted chicken, pasta sides, cheese and broccoli casserole and biscuits. Sounds delicious, I must say.

Finishing up the experience in Wiesbaden, Jennifer and I complete one last trip to the gummy bear store downtown (amidst the mass of downtown traffic, German parking, and sheer confusion). We bundle Kaylin up, and we're on our way. Yeah we get some funny looks from the Germans because we don't have her in a heavy coat but she's got warm clothes on and a few blankets, she's fine for an outdoor trip that lasts 10 minutes. Anyways, we successfully retrieve our new stash of gummies for Dennis and back in the car.

Off to the Commissary we go to pick up the chicken for dinner. Naturally we get all the ingredients and realize we are having issues finding a chicken. DAMN. We wander around the whole store, Jennifer in the lead, me pushing the cart with Kaylin. Around the corner into the frozen section...there it is...the last chicken. We snatch it up, holding it like it is golden. A few more items and we're off with our prized possessions!

We swing by Burger King for lunch and head back to the house. After attempting to thaw the chicken in a water bath in the sink while washing dishes our dear chicken makes friends with a bowl of warm water instead. About an hour later we pull the chicken out, its soft and moveable so we figure that its done. Jennifer goes to start getting it seasoned and all the sudden I get a call....

"Hey, come get the ickies out of this chicken!"

"What?! I can't do that, I've never even cooked a turkey!!" I exclaimed not quite ready to lose my chicken/turkey inside taking out virginity!

"Me either! Just come do it!!! Plus its a chicken, not a turkey!!" She yells back. I set down my computer and head to the kitchen with Kaylin. I look at the chicken in the sink and sigh. I have NO idea what I'm about to do. I ask Jennifer one more time what the heck it is supposed happen, and she replies, "Take off the neck and remove the insides..." Greatttt....

I pull on the neck a bit and it doesn't give. Duh, vertebrae! Now I have flashes of anatomy class in my head. This is going to be interesting to say the least. I decide the neck can wait and flip over the bird, trying to avoid as much contact with it as possible. CRAPPPPP. The inside isn't thawed! I toss it under some warm water hoping to avoid having to wait longer for dinner. However after a few minutes this too fails. *sigh* The insides are frozen solid and not giving way.

But waittt...there is a MICROWAVE! YES. Hello waves of heat going to nuke and flash cook this chicken. Plate...check...chicken...check...turn the dial and BAM. A few minutes later I pull the chicken out...OH NO...

Well I guess it went in too long because the outside is cooked a bit and the inside is still frozen. *sigh* Guess we'll have to resort to the water again. I run the water inside the bird in attempts to assist the thawing process. All the sudden...DUN DUN DUN!!! We have success...the chicken has now lost a kidney. A FREAKING KIDNEY. These parts aren't nicely placed inside or anything like a turkey, they are still completely in their normal place. I remove said kidney and return my focus to the rock hard, frozen insides. After a little while I decide that since the water is only scalding my hand and the insides haven't budged (except for the lone kidney) I'm going to try to remove the neck again. After some pulling, pushing, knifing and swearing I finally break the neck free of the bird. Why the damn thing is left on has left me completely curious!

Now that the chicken no longer has a neck, I can clearly see the little bit of a path to the other side of the chicken. Now water can drain out of the chicken and hopefully I can remove the rest of the insides with less difficulty. The rest of the insides came out without much effort, I found the other kidney, the liver, heart and stomach. I studied and oogled at each of the parts to make sure my diagnosis was correct. By the way, they are gross looking! I rinse off the chicken and pat the damn thing dry. I set it on a plate to await seasoning and Kaylin begins to fuss because she is hungry. I feed her and Brian (Jennifer's husband) goes into the kitchen and comes back out telling us we are going to order something because that chicken does not look right!

So much for our attempt at oven roasted chicken. Next time I'll make sure I don't add the chicken and the microwave. Needless to say, the chinese food place delivered twice this weekend.