Monday, April 9, 2012

Realizations as of today.

I'm not one for regrets. Each decision, even if not the best has put me on the path that I am on now. I may not feel like I have the brightest path right now, but I also know that its always darkest before the dawn. Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently, but now I just know this is how it was meant to be.

For over a year now, I've tried building something that just doesn't exist. I've tried so desperately to repair something that was unrepairable. I spent sleepless nights worrying, and days crying. I've called people in the middle of the night and I've called people just to cry on the phone. I've had friends listen, I've had friends give advice.

I am so thankful for the girls I had in Germany. It broke my heart to leave them, even though I knew my Little and I needed to be here. Those girls got me through more in 2 years than some friends do in a lifetime. I also have to rave about the few friends that I have here. They've listened to me rant and complain about everything that has gone on.

Not once do I regret moving to Germany. If I didn't, I would have the amazing people in my life that I do, and I would most certainly not have the one little person in my life who makes everything worth living. I am fairly certain that if I didn't have her, I would have had a much harder time with everything.

Now for the realization part. I'm sick and tired of trying to create something. If someone wants to be in MY life or in my daughter's life...they will do it. I won't have to force it, or beg for it. As much as it sucks and I don't want things to end, none of that clearly matters to the other party.

Its time for me to start worrying about ME and what I want in my life. Because I know for a fact there are people in my life who are able to love my Little as much as I do.

So to you, the person that I'm talking about (because you know flat out who you are)...I'm not forcing this anymore. You want to be part of her life then step up. Because if not, there ARE people out there willing to fill those shoes. It may have taken me over a year to deal with everything but I know that from all of this I am going to be a better person and I AM all that this little girl needs in her life. For that I am certain.

1 comment:

Jennifer Yount said...

I absolutely LOVE you, and you've done such a great job! I'm glad you moved to Germany also, because you're one of the most important people in my life! Someone will come along and you'll have the family you've wanted. You will THEN realize that your dreams are coming true, and that you have made it where you've always wanted to be. You're pretty amazing girl!