Thoughts this Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. I had spent the previous night working overnight, slept for 5 hours and got ready for church. By 8 pm I was exhausted and my Little was definitely tired too. I had to fireman carry her out of a family members house kicking and screaming. I still had a long night ahead of me and it was definitely taking its toll.

After I got my Little in her new Christmas pj's, we laid in her bed and tracked Santa one last time as she drifted off to sleep. I quietly closed her bedroom door with a soft, "I love you baby. Sleep good and Merry Christmas." And I began the painstaking process of assembling a few of her presents.

As I put the final sticker on her new kitchen, I sat on the couch and looked at everything she had been given. That's when it hit me. Some parents had presents under their trees that will never be opened.

I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to be the family of one of the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary. I can only imagine the pain of seeing an empty bed Christmas Eve knowing that it will never be full again. That those feet will not coming bounding down the stairs Christmas morning in excitement to see what Santa had left. Those parents will never again read "The Night Before Christmas" to all their children on Christmas Eve.

Suddenly as overwhelmed, tired, and stressed as I was, I was thankful. Thankful that my Little was sleeping safely in her bed.

That is when I bowed my head and prayed. Prayed for those innocent souls taken too soon, prayed for the families who were going to be missing a loved one this Christmas, and I thanked God for everything I have. Because without Him, I would have nothing.

So take a moment and thank God for all you have and what he has done for you. It shouldn't take a tragedy to remind us how fragile life is, but I am so thankful I have another day with the one who matters most.

Summer has come and gone

Wow, pretty long time since I actually sat down and wrote a blog. Let's see....

Happy 2nd Birthday Kaylin!

I finished and passed my microbiology and math classes. We surprised my mom in Georgia for my brother's high school graduation and then went back to Georgia at the beginning of July. I watched in fear as the mountains surrounding my city burned. Kaylin turned 2, we celebrated with a Mickey Mouse themed pool party. It was even complete with a full banner, home made by her aunts!

I can't believe summer is already gone again, it feels like yesterday it was snowing outside as I was studying the Krebs cycle of bacteria. Its almost time to shut those windows again and snuggle up on the couch with someone special and a cup of coffee.

Now I'm back in school, finishing up my last classes before I can apply for the nursing program. So forgive me if some of these are spread out, studying is more important than blogging. Speaking of, enjoy these pictures, I gotta hit the books while Kaylin sleeps.

Kaylin and I on her birthday

Her cake

Cutting cake and scooping ice cream

Day 34 – A picture of your favorite morning

 

Taking home my Little

 Every now and then when I'm feeling sentimental, I look back at pictures of my Little when she was first born. Recently she sat in that car seat, and ate it alive. Instead in this picture it looks like its swallowing her!

Sleeping like an angel

I remember Dennis went to get the car, the nurse helped me into the wheelchair and I put my bundled up little girl on my lap.We got to the emergency exit where Dennis had parked the car so I didn't have to walk far, being post-surgery and all. Little was put into the car and I eased myself into the front seat. It was a miserably cold and rainy August morning.

I was slightly paranoid with the rain and the autobahn but we got her home safe and sound and laid her gently into the bassinet and proceeded to take a nap too.

Little on her first birthday

My other favorite morning was the morning that she turned 1. Since we'd had her birthday party the Saturday before, we just did something small after church. I saved a few presents for her actual birthday and this is one of my favorite shots.

She loves her "baby" 's as much as I did when I was little. I see myself in this little girl daily! From her attitude, to her addiction to stuffed animals. At this current moment I have 4 stickers plastered all over my hand from her putting them there.

Man I wouldn't trade this for the WORLD.

Toddler Dressing Olympics

So getting my toddler dressed in the morning has gone from a quick 2 minute process to a full blown race around the house. Then it dawned on me, there are many ways the sport of toddler dressing can take form.

The cooperative toddler: The time when your precious bundle of joy is actually willing to put that pudgy little arm in the shirt sleeve, or lets you put on shoes that fit just right. However, I rarely see this until half way through the dressing sport.

The run away toddler: My toddler's personal favorite event in the sport of dressing. She loves to let me get her undressed, get her new diaper on and then she flips over and runs away. There is a lot of, "Come back here." and  "You need to get dressed, Mommy has to go bye-bye. Don't you want to see Papa?" Typically all of these statements get a simple, "No." response. Then I have to get up, and chase after her while she runs into the nearest corner in a feeble attempt to hide from me. After I retrieve my darling toddler, I have to fight the thrashing and crying to get her pants and shirt on. The shoes typically are more fun for her, she likes to watch them get put on.

The could have been cooperative toddler: Once in a while, my sweet little girl will do exactly as I ask, "Go lay down in your room, you need a butt-butt change." She'll go lay down on her bedroom floor all nice and sweet and the second I grab the diaper and wipes out comes the kicking, screaming, fighting toddler. Typically this occurs more when there is a diaper rash or something...but she still kicks and fights getting dressed. I'm fairly sure that is where a good portion of the bruises on my legs have come from.

The half dressed toddler: Usually I can manage to get a diaper changed, pants and socks on my toddler easily. I'll sit her up to put the shirt over her head and hike those tiny little jeans up over her no butt, and she takes off. She laughs running around the house without a shirt on, belly hanging out. Typically I have to chase her down and get the shirt on over her head before she collapses to the floor in one of her typical morning fits.

The distracted toddler: Similar to the cooperative toddler, but instead of helping she is distracted. Be it the tv, a random toy she's yelled, "Me!" for, or a stuffed animal she's mauling for the 100th time, she's a bit more cooperative until the shirt has to get put on.

Anyone else have a fun toddler dressing story to share?

Realizations as of today.

I'm not one for regrets. Each decision, even if not the best has put me on the path that I am on now. I may not feel like I have the brightest path right now, but I also know that its always darkest before the dawn. Sometimes I wish things had turned out differently, but now I just know this is how it was meant to be.

For over a year now, I've tried building something that just doesn't exist. I've tried so desperately to repair something that was unrepairable. I spent sleepless nights worrying, and days crying. I've called people in the middle of the night and I've called people just to cry on the phone. I've had friends listen, I've had friends give advice.

I am so thankful for the girls I had in Germany. It broke my heart to leave them, even though I knew my Little and I needed to be here. Those girls got me through more in 2 years than some friends do in a lifetime. I also have to rave about the few friends that I have here. They've listened to me rant and complain about everything that has gone on.

Not once do I regret moving to Germany. If I didn't, I would have the amazing people in my life that I do, and I would most certainly not have the one little person in my life who makes everything worth living. I am fairly certain that if I didn't have her, I would have had a much harder time with everything.

Now for the realization part. I'm sick and tired of trying to create something. If someone wants to be in MY life or in my daughter's life...they will do it. I won't have to force it, or beg for it. As much as it sucks and I don't want things to end, none of that clearly matters to the other party.

Its time for me to start worrying about ME and what I want in my life. Because I know for a fact there are people in my life who are able to love my Little as much as I do.

So to you, the person that I'm talking about (because you know flat out who you are)...I'm not forcing this anymore. You want to be part of her life then step up. Because if not, there ARE people out there willing to fill those shoes. It may have taken me over a year to deal with everything but I know that from all of this I am going to be a better person and I AM all that this little girl needs in her life. For that I am certain.

Day 33 – A picture of somewhere you went today

Denver Museum of Nature and Science

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm cheating...a bit. We went yesterday. But my goal was to write this yesterday, but I was tired.

One of my favorite places in the world sits just an hour (ish) north of me. Yeah, I'm a museum geek. I love them. Okay well most of them, I'm not a huge fan of paintings; hence why the science museum is my place.

Ever since I was little this place has fascinated me. I love seeing all the different animals in their "habitat", the dinosaur bones, and learning all about my health in the (then) Hall of Life.

So for the first time in 7 years, I stepped foot in front of the giant building that I knew and loved. This time I took my darling daughter with me. I was so excited that I didn't even mind getting up early, and barely remember the drive.

Little in front of a skeleton

I "ooh-ed" and "ahh-ed" at everything, trying to get my Little as interested as possible. Ya know, her attention span is that of a gnat's so riding around in a comfy stroller looking at things that aren't moving...doesn't captivate her for long. She ran around some of the animal exhibits that were less crowded, and climbed to get some of that energy out. By the time we got to the dinosaurs she honestly could have cared less. However I find it funny that I have taken pictures maybe around 4 or 6 from some of the same locations that I made her take pictures yesterday. In over 20 years, the majority of that exhibit hasn't changed.

The only thing that really bummed me out was not being able to share the Hall of Life with her. The Hall of Life was closed in (I want to say) 2009 to be replaced with a much needed updated version. So now we have the Exhibition Life exhibit. Naturally it was always the most packed exhibit and yesterday was no exception. It didn't help that I chose to go while every other kid in Denver seemed to be on spring break. Oh well, looks like we'll just have to go again one random day before school's out. I made sure I did the face aging part of the exhibit and found out what I would look like overweight at 70. Not necessarily the most attractive thing ever. Definitely makes me want to eat better and exercise more.

The T-Rex at the entrance

All in all it was a wonderful day. We had a lot of fun and took lots of pictures. I'm definitely looking forward to going back.

Oh and the best part, military gets in free. Yup, little known fact for you all there. :)

Day 32 – A picture of what you did today

Noodles and Company

After a long day at work the last thing I really want to do is make food when I come home. Especially when I haven't eaten more than chips and coffee all day, seeing as I realized half way to work that I left my lunch at home vending machine food it was.

On the way home I was starving, and the Little was grumpy. Food was definitely in order, and guess who wins at parenting today and totally forgot to pull something out of the freezer for dinner.

And then I remembered the beautiful restaurant on our way home. Noodles and Company. I'm pretty sure this is a fantastic gift from God. Not only will they allow you to substitute to make it your way, they even know what the heck you're talking about. Thank you pasta Gods.

So there I stood in front of a fairly cute cashier trying to explain that I wanted the original House Marinara (which has been taken off the menu for a few years, I guess...). He totally smiled as I described that I wanted the Spaghetti and Meatballs without meatballs, and penne pasta.

So the House Marinara, huh?

I am fairly certain the smile on my face was huge while holding my 19 month old daughter on my mom hip. Honestly, had he asked me to marry him right then and there, it would have been a done deal.

Yes, please! Oh my gosh I'm so excited you knew what I was talking about!

He smiled, we chatted and a few minutes later the Little and I were out the door with her Wisconsin Mac-N-Cheese and my specially made House Marinara.

My long day was completely worth it to get those stewed tomatoes (only kind I will eat in chunks), penne noodles, cheese and Parmesan crusted chicken.

Friday rocks.