Dear Army, tonight I hate you =]

I'm so pissed I don't even know where to begin tonight. Yeah, I understand my husband works long hours that suck and he comes home so tired we spend no time together. By why the fuck is he "soooo" tired at the end of the night but manages to go and play Call of Duty for 2 hours? Or watch tv? I swear he spends no time with me and it doesn't even phase him. Earlier I asked him to take out the dog...guess what I just did? Took out the dog. The dog that he wanted, the dog he had to have. I swear, that dog would go hungry and pee if he was responsible for it.

Now he's passed out on my lap, Kaylin's asleep and I'm hungry. Ugh! Lol I guess I just wish he could get off at a decent time and not be so exhausted that he falls asleep the second he gets home. That would be very nice.

Is it Friday yet?!!

I admit, I've been slacking in this department lately. Though I HAVE an excuse. :) School is totally swamping me, though it really shouldn't. I deserve mother of the year award for life lately. Taking on 3 classes (for a grand total of 9 credit hours) this semester with a newborn and a husband who is gone more than he is home...I am INSANE. I've managed to keep my head above water and actually get the assignments that I need done, finished. :D I must say...I kick ass.

Anyways, lately I've been going crazy. I've avoided venting just because it doesn't really seem necessary. But for crying out loud, I am a HUMAN not a fucking taxi. Now that being said, I do not feel like a taxi I'm just stressed out because I don't need to go grocery shopping at the moment and I'm sorry that you do. You need to get your license and your own car. This will make your life a million times easier. I just hope that you are planning on getting to the airport on your own, because neither my car or Dennis' car is not big enough to take 3 people and a baby to the airport...not to mention your luggage and everything. So I am sorry but I cannot take you. And do not expect me to take you and take both cars...that is ridiculous.

Though I must say, Kaylin has driven me crazy lately I needed a break from her so bad! I feel so awful saying that but I did. She had a total "daddy only" day yesterday and I'm not going to lie, it was nice. Though after she finally went down it seems like he felt he deserved a "daddy of the year" award because he held her all day. Seriously?! Are you kidding??? You feel all sorts of special because you held your daughter? WTF?! I love my little girl, and I thank God for her every day. Sometimes a person just needs a break.

Hmm, maybe I should go to bed early tonight I could really use the extra sleep. But I really need to do some homework. Though I'm almost done, almost! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, as long as I don't screw it all up! Gahhh!!!! Guess I'll get off here and go do something productive.

Why?!

Why does it always take the tragedy of others to make us see what is directly in front of our eyes. Again, the friend who lost her little girl posted the story of her on our website. All I can say is WOW. I cried reading it. It was so hard to even think about losing Kaylin. There are days where I get frustrated and annoyed because she cries all day and wants to be held. But sitting there reading how my friend's arms ache because she longs to hold her daughter makes me feel terrible. I do not feel terrible for having Kaylin, I feel terrible because I take for granted the things she misses most. I never want to take the days I have with Kaylin for granted like I have been. I get annoyed because I have to hold her to sleep and it impedes my school work. Then I read about how much she wishes to hold her little girl and I feel like shit. I hate thinking about all the times I've yelled out of frustration at Kaylin because she won't stop crying. Now I think about how much my friend would like to hear her daughter cry. I feel like I've taken so much for granted lately, and I feel horrible that my friend's terrible tragedy forced me to open my eyes to what I have.

I've got a beautiful baby girl, who adores me more than anything in this world. She trusts me completely, and depends on me for everything. She is utterly defenseless and needs me to do everything I possibly can for her. I am so thankful that I have this blessing of mine. I thank God that he has granted my every prayer where Kaylin is concerned. She is healthy and is everything I could have asked for, and then some. Words can not describe how I feel about this little girl, I am just so thankful for her.

So to my dear friend, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are not religious but please know that I am praying for you. I'm praying that you somehow find peace and that you find acceptance one of these days. I wish "I'm sorry" fulfilled how I feel right now. But it seems so below what you and your husband deserve. So please for now, I thank you. Thank you for showing me my blessing through your terrible tragedy. RIP, little one.

Seriously people?!

So today when we were standing in Ramstein getting ready to leave Macaroni Grill. We had a wonderful evening with friends. Well I grab the stroller, Dennis has a passed out Kaylin in the car seat. Well I over hear a guy talking to someone else and he says, "Wow, they don't even look old enough to have kids. Those military folk..." EXCUSE ME?! Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to mean. Yes, I look young but I am old enough to have a child. She is cared for, and is loved. What the hell does my age have to do with it?! At least Dennis and I got married before we got pregnant and we made the mutual decision to try to have a baby. So there should never be judgment about the age of people and having children. Kaylin is the biggest and best blessing I've ever had, she is the reason I wake up in the morning and she's my muse and my motivation. It just pisses me off that people think its okay to treat us like that. "We're too young to know what we're doing..." Gah. Whatever.

We did have a blast yesterday though, its so nice to hang out and party with friends again. :D

GAH. Enough Said.

So its 2 am, I'm up feeding the baby and guess where my husband is...laying down in bed, drunk as shit not a care in the world. Lemme give you a back story...

A friend of ours is getting deployed very soon. So we had once last party at his place tonight. Well before we left I asked Dennis if he was gonna take Oreo out or if he was just going to do it when we got back. He says, "I'll take him out when we get home. No matter how drunk I am." *Rolls eyes....surreee* So we go, stay till almost 2, and head home. We bring Kaylin in, put her in our room and I look over. Dennis is taking off his clothes. Great, I just got voted to take Oreo out. So I quick run him downstairs the entire time loathing the fact that Dennis is stuck up in the bathroom while I'm doing exactly what he said he'd do. So I come back up, make Kaylin's bottles and get my ice cream. He comes out of the bathroom as I'm taking off my clothes and I go, "Don't worry, I've already taken out the dog." "Oh shit honey, I totally forgot. I'm sorry." "Right." *glare* I go to pee and then suddenly...BAM, Kaylin has "mommy is going to sleep and I want to be awake radar." *glare* So she starts getting fussy. Fan-fucking-tastic. So I take her out of the car seat and hold her for a second and then lay her down in the bassinet with strict orders to cry loudly because Dennis is trying to sleep. She totally does....gooooddd baby :D. So he picks her up and its mommy to the rescue. "Give her to me so I can feed her." I take her. "I can feed her." "Whatever, just give her here."

So now where I am...its 2:30 I'm up, exhausted...have mountains of homework to do and am STILL awake while I'm husband sleeps off his drunkness. Seriously, where the fuck is my HELP. I feel like I'm raising 2 god damn kids. He has NO responsibility what so fucking ever. I have to do EVERYTHING. Because if I don't, it doesn't get done. Any other man would see the trash full and take it out on his way down the stairs. Dennis ignores it until I either ask him to take it out or I do it myself. Why?! Why do I have to ask him!!! We've had this conversation before, and obviously we've gotten no where. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I think I'm going crazy. Getting him to put his dish in the dishwasher is like pulling teeth, even if its empty! How hard can it be?! Swish around the water, put it in there. 1 minute, tops. Instead I'm stuck washing the dish because I can't rinse off the food crusted to the side.

Now the question is, do we go sleep in there with him, or stay out here until he figures out that I'm seriously pissed the fuck off.

Hummmpp Dayy!

Whelp its just after 6. I've gotten a few things accomplished, but nothing near what I wanted to. I guess I have some time when Kaylin goes down too. Dennis still isn't home yet but hey its whatever in all honesty.

GAH, he just called and said his soldier (who just got here by the way) got robbed at the airport. WTF, how the hell do you get robbed at the airport? God I have a feeling this bitch is going to be DUMB and I am going to have to kick some ass. Top it off he hasn't seen Kaylin all day long, didn't come home from lunch or anything. I have to say, I think its crap. Even if he gets 20 minutes, he can call and I can have a sandwich ready for him. Instead he just doesn't come home. It gets old. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that he can come home, its just hard when he doesn't.

He came home and told me he didn't ask exactly how she got robbed but he assumes she was pickpocketed at the airport when she was sleeping. SERIOUSLY? Who sleeps at the airport alone? GAH, she is dumb. Husband, please just remember you are her boss not her babysitter. I will take the time to remind you when you forget. :)

Still not feeling tip top either. My ears are both starting to bother me now. :( I'm gonna have to give in and take the benadryl at night. Maybe I'll try other stuff during the day that makes me way less drowsy. Hopefully the combination will knock it out of my system. *sigh* Though I have a feeling I'll be making another appointment for Monday. :( I'm really glad I decided to stay put inside and not do anything at all today. Well except for homework. I think that was a good decision on my part. I woke up on the right side of the bed...turned WAYYYY wrong as soon as I got up....

So its 4:30, Kaylin starts fussing. Knowing that we'll be up in just around an hour, I pull her into bed with us hoping she'll sleep for a bit longer. Success, Mommy 1, Kaylin well...I'm sure she's winning. Then the alarm goes off, up we get. I start a bottle and Dennis gets ready for PT. I log into Facebook as Kaylin's bottle warms up and see a message from MIL. Fan-tast-IC. She says to have Dennis check his email, so assuming she meant messages on Facebook I log in for him. His dad's mom passed away from complications during surgery. :( I feel so bad because he really liked her. Well I also noticed a message from this girl. Basically confessing that she needs him. EXCUSE ME? So I ask him what the flying fuck is up with that...he says he doesn't know her and only added her because I added her. Well I look at her pictures and I know for a fact that I know her through him. Whatever, irrelevant (eventually that gets sorted). So I block her from a lot of my profile, but still allow her to see that we're married and my pictures (gotta rub that shit in...biattchhh). Well Dennis texts me and says that he left the way he did because he's upset about his grandma and that the chick is crazy. So she set my mood for the day. So I smartly stayed in the house and did nothing but homework today. That way I didn't run into anyone and be pissed off...veryyy smart decision. I have decided that I hate single women...yup that's the moral of this... I've met very few that I can actually stand.

Gahhh, is it Monday?!?!

Bahhh! What the hell? Seriously, a Monday on Tuesday?! So I go to do some research for my psychology paper...but the world decides I do not need to do such a silly thing. The site will NOT connect. I've called the internet provider, the school, and a friend (to make sure it wasn't *my* internet). None of which worked. So conclusion...it HAS to be the school. But seriously, WTF?! I really want to start this paper and this is making it impossible. Hmmph, maybe I just won't use those resources. Though I'd like to I believe using professional articles is better than random websites but hey I gotta do what I can, right?!

Its not even the end of the semester and I'm already researching next semesters classes. Am I crazy?! Though what makes me look so much is because I've got to buy the books out of pocket, and those add up really fast when you have 4 classes. Hmmph. Decisions, decisions. Gah, I hate, hate my major but nursing isn't available over here and so to avoid paying back student loans, I'm going back for something else. At least by the time I leave here, I hope to have a degree. So that way we can get settled and I can attempt to go back for my nursing degree.

Kaylin has picked today, of all days, to be a holy terror. She's eaten so much, I had to make an extra bottle to get her through the day. WTF kid?! I really think she was tired but she woke up and figured she'd scream until I gave her a bottle. I have a feeling she'll be going down early tonight. Plus I'm exhausted and my ear hurts. :( I really hope these antibiotics kick in soon. It doesn't help I'm not taking the benadryl that she gave me. But it makes me sleepy...I can't afford to be sleepy right now! If I was only taking the one class I could easily afford to be sleepy. Sadly, I'm not! So I guess I'll have to be miserable for a few more days.

Dennis said that its going to be a long few weeks. They're doing something to prep for deployment. I think like starting to pack equipment and stuff. Bleh, I really don't want to be the only one dealing with Kaylin all day long. I don't mind it when he's not home, I really don't get a choice there. But when he is home, I need a freaking break! Especially when I'm like 3 weeks behind in one class. (Not to help that I have the paper in that class that I can't seem to do) Top if off she's tried every ounce of patience I have today. I called Dennis in hopes that he'd be home soon and he coped an attitude with me. FUCK YOU, I'm at home trying to do shit for you and your kid and you cop an attitude with me because I need you? AAAARGHHHHHHH

Oh and he somehow thinks we'll be able to go home for Christmas. STILL! I feel so bad but we can't. Originally his mom was gonna pay for our tickets, well he came home from the field he started talking about flying space-a. Terrible idea. Then top it off its Christmas time. Argh, I could vent on this all day but whatever. I'm over it. I'm not going, decision final. If he wants to go fine, he can miss his daughter's first Christmas and our anniversary. He will NOT like me when he gets back, and that is a promise. I feel bad about all of it, but I'm sick of trying to figure out where we are going to come up with the money. We can't fly until after the 22nd, and I refuse to spend Christmas in the airport. Its bad timing all around, but ya know what...I didn't sign the dotted line to join the Army. I didn't know that when I joined there was a possibility I'd be stationed overseas. Sorry. So if you are so "homesick" and everything...quit buying video games, stop spending money on stupid shit. You are your own worst enemy. But I flat out refuse to go back to the States and not go see my family with Kaylin. And I refuse to fly home and then go back without Dennis (he goes home first) and go and see my family. Because that's not fair, what if I can't get back before he deploys?! Its just not worth it to me. And sorry, but I don't see any of them jumping to come to Germany to see her. If it was as "important" as they all say...they would have made a point to get over here. They've all been parents, they know how hard it is to travel a few hours with a baby...now let's just pick up and go across the world.

Top it off, Kaylin has decided to test every ounce of patience I have today. I feel like I'm going crazy. Dennis said "it'd be a long day" for the next two weeks. SUPER. So not only am I